Codependency is a behavioral and emotional condition where individuals prioritize others’ needs over their own, often leading to unhealthy relationships. Research shows that the four main types of codependency include the caretaker, enabler, controller, and adjuster. The caretaker constantly sacrifices their own well-being to care for others, often feeling needed as a way to gain self-worth. The enabler supports or covers for another person’s harmful behavior, such as substance abuse, to avoid conflict or guilt, indirectly allowing the destructive patterns to continue.
The controller type tries to manage or dictate the behaviors of others to maintain a sense of stability, often stemming from fear of chaos or loss. The adjuster, on the other hand, adapts their behavior to please others, suppressing their own emotions and desires to avoid rejection or disapproval. Recognizing these types is crucial for self-awareness and personal growth, as each can impact relationships differently and may require targeted strategies for healthier interactions and boundaries.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is the root cause of codependency?
The root cause of codependency often traces back to early childhood experiences and family dynamics, where patterns of neglect, abuse, or inconsistent caregiving can leave lasting emotional imprints. Children growing up in households where love and approval are conditional may learn to equate their self-worth with the ability to meet others’ needs. In such environments, expressing personal desires or asserting boundaries might have led to conflict, punishment, or rejection, creating a deep-seated belief that their value depends on sacrificing themselves for others. This early conditioning lays the foundation for codependent tendencies in adult relationships.
Another significant factor is exposure to dysfunctional family systems, such as those involving substance abuse, mental illness, or emotional neglect. In these settings, children often take on adult responsibilities prematurely, becoming caretakers or peacemakers to maintain family stability. These roles, while adaptive in childhood, can carry over into adulthood, where individuals continue to prioritize others’ needs at the expense of their own well-being. The chronic stress of managing family dysfunction can also normalize unhealthy relational patterns, making codependency seem like a natural way to interact. Read our blog “How Childhood Trauma Can Cause Anxiety, Depression, & PTSD.”
Low self-esteem is closely intertwined with codependency and can be considered both a cause and a consequence. Individuals who doubt their own worth may rely heavily on external validation to feel accepted or loved. They may seek approval through pleasing behaviors, suppressing their feelings, or controlling situations to prevent perceived rejection. Read our blog “11 Reasons Why You Are A People-Pleaser.”
Over time, this dependence on others for self-worth reinforces codependent behaviors, creating a cycle where personal identity becomes enmeshed with the approval and happiness of others. View our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”.
Emotional neglect or inconsistent emotional support during childhood also contributes to codependency. Children who are taught, either directly or indirectly, that their feelings are unimportant may struggle to identify, express, or prioritize their own emotions later in life. This lack of emotional attunement fosters a hyper-focus on others’ needs and emotions as a way to feel connected or useful. Adults with this background often find it difficult to set boundaries, assert themselves, or recognize when relationships are unhealthy because their emotional framework has been shaped to prioritize others over themselves. Our blog “The Truth Behind Why Boundaries Are Important for Maintaining Mental Health” is a must-read.
Trauma, including physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, is another root cause of codependency. Traumatic experiences can instill fear, anxiety, and a constant need for control in relationships. Survivors may develop codependent behaviors as coping mechanisms, believing that their own safety or emotional stability depends on predicting and managing others’ actions. This hyper-vigilance often manifests as excessive caretaking, enabling, or controlling behaviors, which reinforce patterns of dependency and prevent authentic, balanced relationships from forming. View our blog “Living with Emotional Numbness After Trauma.”
Finally, societal and cultural factors can reinforce codependent tendencies, particularly in contexts that value self-sacrifice, caregiving, or rigid gender roles. Cultural messaging that equates love with selflessness or portrays vulnerability as weakness can pressure individuals to conform to codependent patterns. These societal influences interact with personal and familial experiences to entrench behaviors such as people-pleasing, emotional suppression, and over-involvement in others’ lives. Recognizing the combination of childhood conditioning, trauma, self-esteem issues, and societal expectations is essential for understanding the root causes of codependency and beginning the journey toward healthier relationships.
What does high functioning codependency look like?
High-functioning codependency is a subtle form of codependency that often goes unnoticed because individuals appear competent, organized, and successful in their personal and professional lives. Unlike more obvious forms of codependency, those who are high-functioning typically maintain outward appearances of stability and control, masking the emotional struggles beneath. They may excel at their jobs, manage households efficiently, or appear socially confident, all while neglecting their own emotional needs and prioritizing others. This ability to “function” can make it difficult for both the individual and those around them to recognize the codependent patterns.
A hallmark of high-functioning codependency is over-responsibility. Individuals take on excessive responsibility for the feelings, actions, and problems of others, often feeling guilty or anxious if they cannot solve someone else’s issues. They may believe that their worth is measured by their usefulness, leading them to stretch themselves thin and overcommit in work, family, or social obligations. This over-responsibility can create stress, burnout, and resentment, but because they maintain a competent exterior, these warning signs are often overlooked by both themselves and others.
Another key characteristic is difficulty setting boundaries. High-functioning codependents often struggle to say no or assert their own needs, fearing rejection, criticism, or conflict. Read our blog “5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection.”
What are the signs of a codependent person?
Excessive people-pleasing (Read our blog “How to Know If You Are A People-Pleaser and the Psychology Behind It”)
Difficulty saying “no”
Over-responsibility for others’ emotions or problems
Low self-esteem
Caretaking or rescuing behavior
Fear of abandonment
Controlling tendencies (View our blog “Why Do I Have Control Issues?”)
Difficulty identifying or expressing their own feelings
Dependency on relationships for self-worth
Denial of personal problems or needs
Chronic guilt or shame
Perfectionism (Check out our blog “Is Perfectionism A Coping Skill?”)
They may overextend themselves to meet the expectations of colleagues, friends, or family, all while suppressing personal desires or discomfort. Their ability to adapt and accommodate makes them appear highly cooperative and dependable, yet internally they may feel drained, anxious, or emotionally unfulfilled. This chronic boundary erosion reinforces the codependent cycle and can lead to subtle but persistent stress and dissatisfaction. View our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them.”
People-pleasing behaviors are also prominent in high-functioning codependency. These individuals often derive self-esteem from gaining approval and avoiding disapproval from others. They may prioritize the happiness of others above their own, engaging in acts of service, excessive compromise, or emotional caretaking to maintain relationships. Even when outwardly successful, these efforts are driven more by fear of rejection or abandonment than by genuine choice which can result in internal tension and difficulty forming authentic connections. View our blog “Healing Abandonment Trauma with Inner Work.”
Finally, high-functioning codependents often experience internalized emotional struggles such as anxiety, low self-worth, and suppressed feelings. While they may appear confident and self-sufficient externally, they frequently wrestle with self-doubt, perfectionism, and a fear of being inadequate if they stop “performing” for others. Their coping mechanisms; control, overachievement, and caretaking; help them manage these emotions temporarily, but without conscious awareness or intervention, these patterns can lead to chronic stress, burnout, and difficulty maintaining truly healthy, balanced relationships. Recognizing these subtle patterns is the first step toward addressing the underlying emotional needs and developing healthier relational habits.
Which attachment style is most dependent?
The attachment style most associated with dependency is the anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Individuals with this style often have a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection which drives them to seek constant closeness and reassurance from their partners or loved ones. From childhood, these individuals may have experienced inconsistent caregiving where their emotional needs were sometimes met and sometimes ignored. This unpredictability fosters a heightened sensitivity to cues of rejection and an intense desire for connection which often translates into dependency in adult relationships.
People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often exhibit behaviors that reinforce their dependency. They may overanalyze interactions, seek frequent validation, and feel anxious when their partner is unavailable or emotionally distant. Their self-esteem is heavily tied to the quality of their relationships, leading them to prioritize the needs and desires of others above their own. This can create a cycle where they give excessively, fear loss, and tolerate unhealthy behaviors, all in an attempt to maintain closeness and security.
While dependency is most pronounced in anxious-preoccupied individuals, it is important to note that attachment styles exist on a spectrum, and dependency can appear differently in other styles. For example, avoidant individuals may suppress dependency needs and appear self-sufficient, while secure individuals are capable of healthy interdependence without excessive reliance. Understanding the anxious-preoccupied attachment style helps explain why some people become highly dependent in relationships and provides insight into strategies for building more secure and balanced connections.
Our blog “How to Use Anxious Attachment Therapy to Build Secure Attachment” is a must-read.
How can I stop being codependent?
Overcoming codependency begins with self-awareness which is the foundation for change. The first step is recognizing codependent patterns in your behavior, such as excessive people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, or prioritizing others’ needs above your own. Keeping a journal of your thoughts, emotions, and interactions can help identify recurring patterns and triggers. Reflection allows you to understand why you may feel compelled to control situations, rescue others, or seek constant approval, giving you insight into the roots of your codependency.
The next step involves setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Learning to say “no”, assert your own needs, and protect your emotional well-being is essential. This might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you are used to prioritizing others, but it is critical for developing self-respect and balanced relationships. Start small by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations, gradually progressing to more challenging ones. Over time, consistently enforcing your limits reduces the tendency to overextend yourself and fosters healthier dynamics with others.
Developing self-esteem and self-compassion is another crucial step in overcoming codependency. Codependent individuals often tie their self-worth to external validation, so cultivating an internal sense of value is essential. Practices like positive self-talk, celebrating personal achievements, and engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfillment independently of others can strengthen self-confidence. Learning to treat yourself with kindness and understanding when mistakes happen reduces guilt and shame which are common drivers of codependent behavior. Read our blog “How to Start Loving Yourself Again.”
Working with an attachment therapist at Anchor Therapy can be particularly effective in addressing codependency. Therapists can help you explore underlying causes, such as childhood experiences, trauma, or attachment patterns, in a safe and structured environment. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), or other therapeutic approaches can provide tools to challenge negative thought patterns, build healthier coping strategies, and develop emotional regulation skills. A therapist also offers support and accountability which is crucial for practicing new behaviors and breaking entrenched codependent habits.
Finally, building supportive, balanced relationships is key to long-term recovery. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries, encourage independence, and foster mutual care rather than dependence. Engage in communities or support groups where you can share experiences and learn from others facing similar challenges. Over time, practicing interdependence, where you give and receive support without losing your sense of self, helps reinforce healthier patterns, reducing the need for excessive caretaking or approval-seeking and promoting emotional resilience and personal fulfillment.
Breaking free from codependency is a journey, not a quick fix, but every step toward self-awareness, healthy boundaries, and self-compassion brings greater emotional freedom and stronger, more balanced relationships. By recognizing your patterns, seeking support when needed, and prioritizing your own well-being, you can shift from people-pleasing and over-responsibility to authentic connection and self-respect.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level.
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