You're walking on eggshells in your own home. Conversations that should be simple turn into something you have to brace yourself for, and the moment you push back on anything, the script flips and somehow you're the bad one. You've started Googling words like "narcissist" and "manipulation" at 11pm because you don't know what to call what's happening, but you know something is wrong. You searched for how to deal with a narcissist, and you landed here. This post walks through what actually counts as narcissistic behavior versus everyday self-centeredness, what to watch for in your own relationship, and 8 specific strategies our therapists at Anchor Therapy use with clients who can't, or aren't ready to, leave the relationship.
The first step to determine your dynamic with someone who you think is a narcissist is to know the difference between someone with narcissistic tendencies and someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Narcissistic Traits vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Need continual approval and/or admiration
Take advantage of other people
Fail to acknowledge or be concerned about the needs of others
Have an escalated sense of self
Generally, narcissists can be pretentious. In other words, they think that they are better than others, and continuously seek out praise.
Having a narcissist in your life may be maddening and emotionally challenging. You may feel like your whole relationship with this person revolves around them, leaving no room for yourself and your emotions. It’s easy to feel judged by this person. You might even feel exhausted by this person’s demands.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Despite the inflated confidence that narcissists portray, they often have extremely fragile self-esteem. Even the slightest criticism can harm their self-esteem.
People who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder may be overall unhappy and dispirited when they are not given special treatment or treated the way that they expect. Many relationships may feel unfulfilling to them, and others may not enjoy their company.
Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The signs, symptoms, and severity of Narcissistic Personality Disorder can alter person-to-person. Some symptoms may include:
Having an inflated sense of self-importance
Demand having the best of everything (e.g., best house, best car, best clothes)
Holding a sense of entitlement
Mandating continual, immoderate appreciation
Behaving in an arrogant manner that comes across as conceited and/or pretentious
Always expecting to be acknowledged as superior
Being jealous of others
Believing that others are jealous of them
Overvalue their achievements and skills
Having the inability to acknowledge other’s needs and emotions
Being distracted by dreams of authority; triumph; perfection; excellence; or the perfect partner, fiance, or spouse
Taking advantage of others to benefit them
Expecting special favors to align with their expectations
Believing that they are superior
Only speaking to people who they believe are on their level
Dominating conversations
Looking down on people they view as inferior
At Anchor Therapy, we hear this from clients almost every week. By the time someone gets into therapy, they've usually spent months or years questioning their own perception. The first thing we work on isn't strategies for managing the narcissist. It's helping you trust your own read on what's happening again.
How A Narcissist Behaves In Relationships
In your relationship, the narcissist may:
Try to isolate you from your friends and family
Instruct you on how to act and feel
Question your reality or try to gaslight you
Blame you for things outside of your control
Supervise your whereabouts
Project their flaws onto you
Fail to take your opinions and needs into account
What does it actually feel like to be in a relationship with a narcissist?
Most clients we see in Hoboken don't show up at our office saying "my partner is a narcissist." They show up exhausted, second-guessing themselves, and feeling like they've lost a version of who they used to be. The clinical pattern looks like this: you start to notice you're constantly anxious, your friends or family have been gently asking if you're okay, and small interactions leave you feeling like you did something wrong even when you didn't.
Common things our clients describe: rehearsing what they're going to say before any conversation, walking on eggshells around moods that flip without warning, feeling responsible for emotions that aren't yours, and slowly losing touch with what you actually think because the other person's version of reality is so loud. If you read that and felt seen, that's worth taking seriously.
In our clinical experience, the strategies that actually move the needle aren't the ones that try to change the narcissist's behavior. They're the ones that change yours, because that's the part you have any control over. The 8 tips below are the ones we come back to most often with clients in Hoboken who are still living with, working with, or co-parenting with a narcissistic partner or family member.
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, try the following tips:
Do Not React
Narcissists depend on your emotional reactions. It can be easy to react in a way that showcases your shock, anger, or hurt, but this will only energize the narcissist. Instead, try to focus on the situation at hand, and try not to leave space for projection. By continuously steering the conversation back to the issue at hand, you take away the opportunity from the narcissist to dominate the conversation.
2. Try To Avoid Direct Confrontation
As stated previously, narcissists are sensitive to any kind of criticism. Calling out the narcissist is hardly ever helpful. This can even be a trigger for their anger. In the case that you do need to give negative feedback, try to frame it, in the same way, you would a compliment. Keep in mind that when a narcissist's ego feels severely threatened, their reaction can go far beyond defensiveness since it can spiral into what is known as a narcissistic collapse. To learn more about what this looks like and how to navigate it, check out our blog “What Is A Narcissistic Collapse?”.
3. Reiterate Your Need For Action Over Promises
Narcissists can be great at making fictional plans for the future, and never following through on their promises. If you want to hold a narcissist accountable, you need to challenge the deception. It is important to not fulfill any of their requests unless they reciprocate the energy.
4. Maintain Boundaries
Narcissists may easily cross boundaries. While they can break others’ boundaries, they prioritize their own. It is important to set and strongly maintain your boundary with this person. You may want to easily outline what you will and will not accept in your relationship with them as a couple. While it may be difficult at times, you should always stand up for yourself.
5. Remind Yourself That You’re Not To Blame
If anything does not go their way, a narcissist may point the finger at you. In addition to your boundaries, you may want to limit the responsibility that you hold in their life. When the blame is put on you, do not accept it.
6. Don’t Accept Their Behavior
Narcissists usually know when they've hurt someone's feelings. Their behavior feels normal to them, but it isn't to anyone else. You may feel the need to gently point out their undesired behaviors. Narcissists do not like to be viewed in a negative light, so this allows them to adjust their behavior.
7. Acknowledge When You Need Professional Help
Narcissistic abuse may not be overt, therefore it can be difficult to know whether or not you’re a victim. You may easily fall into a cycle of narcissistic abuse. This can lead to feeling trapped. Symptoms of narcissistic abuse vary; however, if you’re questioning your self-worth, it may be helpful to seek counseling from a licensed professional who specializes in identifying and assisting people who endure narcissistic abuse. At Anchor Therapy, we have couples therapists who can assist.
8. Know When You Need To Leave A Relationship
Narcissists know how to manipulate situations and deceive people. They may use methods like gaslighting and projection to try to alter your reality and gain control. If you’re beginning to feel confused or lost, it may be time to exit the relationship. It is important to never lose sight of yourself. The patterns of psychological harm that come from prolonged narcissistic abuse are well-documented, even though "Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome" isn't a formal clinical diagnosis. If you're noticing these effects in yourself, talking to a therapist who has experience with narcissistic relationships can help you sort out what you're feeling and decide what to do next. If you’re unsure if your relationship is unhealthy, you will benefit from reading our blog “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship.”
Dealing with a narcissist is exhausting, and the people closest to you might not always understand what you're up against. You don't have to figure it out on your own. The team at Anchor Therapy works with clients navigating narcissistic relationships every week, in-person in Hoboken, NJ, and virtually in New Jersey, New York, and Florida. If you're ready to talk to someone who gets it, you can reach out through our intake form below.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is currently an undergraduate student at the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark, looking to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
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