Do you have a hard time going with the flow? Do you have to follow a schedule or routine at all times? Do you try to control other people in your life? If you are dealing with control issues, it is likely that you feel like you must exert power over your life, relationships, and general environment. In some cases, this exertion of power may extend to the life of other people.
Control can simply be defined as exerting influence or power over the environment, actions, and behaviors of yourself or another person. There are many reasons why you may feel like you need to be in control, such as insecurities or fear of the unpredictable. At times, your need for control may become overwhelming and tiring, causing chaos in your career, relationships, and your overall quality of life.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What are controlling behaviors?
Typically, everyone has or wants to have a certain degree of control over their life. For instance, it is nice to have the freedom to choose a career path. You attend college and medical school and, finally, achieve your dream of becoming a doctor. To get to that place and achieve your goal, it took great discipline, hard work, and control. However, unhealthy controlling behaviors can take matters to the next level.
If you have control issues, you may find yourself wanting to manage the life of other people. You may want to tell people what to do or how to live. Unfortunately, even if you have the best intentions, these actions can come across negatively. In extreme cases, it may even be categorized as emotional or mental abuse.
Controlling behavior can occur to anyone and in anyone at any time. You may find that you target the people who are closest to you, like friends, a neighbor, a partner, a co-worker, and so on. You may want the best for them and feel that your comments and control may help them, but they might not view it in the same light.
No matter how close you are with an individual, exerting control over their life is not the answer. By understanding how to identify your behaviors and stop your control issues in its tracks, you not only protect the mental and emotional health of others, but you safeguard your own health as well.
What causes control issues?
Control is a reaction to the fear of losing control. If you struggle with the constant need to be in control, it is likely that you fear being at the mercy of other people. Your trigger for control issues can even be as deep as a traumatic event that may have occurred in your past which left you feeling vulnerable and helpless. Because of this, you may desire control in unhealthy ways.
An experience of neglect and/or abuse can make you seek methods to regain control. This need then makes you turn to the outside world. You may feel inclined to micromanage work projects or maintain rigid rules around your diet and exercise regimen. Your pain may be so deeply buried and unacknowledged that it is hard to pinpoint.
With the help of a trauma therapist, you can identify the root cause of your control issues. Whether your traumatic experience was a one-time event or continuous, trauma counseling can help you cope with what occurred. Your trauma may have even manifested itself in multiple ways aside from your problems regarding control. Due to the unhealed nature of your trauma, you may not even realize this!
Even if you do not believe that other people would label your experience as traumatic, it is important to remember that trauma includes any event or experience that causes emotional or psychological harm. While trauma can occur at any age, many children may not be able to effectively cope with trauma since they are so young when the traumatic event or experience occurred. They may not know how to heal on their own or ask for help. In some of these cases, childhood trauma can go unhealed for years, progressing its way into adulthood.
If you are interested in learning how trauma can trigger control issues, check out our blog “How Childhood Trauma Can Impact You As An Adult.” If you struggle with childhood trauma and want to learn how to heal it, check out one of our most popular blogs “How To Heal Childhood Trauma As An Adult.”
Control issues can be related to:
An individual’s beliefs, values, and faith
Perfectionism and a general fear of failure
Traumatic or abuse life experiences
Low or impaired self-esteem
A lack of trust
Anxiety
Fears of abandonment
Fear of experiencing painful emotions or emotional sensitivity
What are some signs that I might have control issues?
You may not even recognize that your behavior and actions can come off as controlling to other people. You may chalk it up to having a Type-A personality where high achievement, impatience, and competitiveness are dominant.
Control issues can occur in a range of connections, from a romantic partner to a coworker. You can even try to manage situations or your environment. There are several important signs of controlling behavior that you can learn to identify in yourself.
Some signs of control issues include:
Jealousy
Mood swings
Self-centeredness
Possessiveness
Fear of abandonment
Continuously identifying as the victim in arguments or disagreements
Difficulty accepting responsibility for your actions
Sense of entitlement
Finding little sympathy and/or respect for others
What are some common examples of control issues?
There are many ways in which a person will try to control their environment, themselves, or other people.
Some examples of control over yourself and your environment include:
Disordered eating
Compulsive cleaning
Compulsive exercising
Self-harm
You may try to exert control over other people by:
Micromanaging them
Bullying or taunting them
Being dishonest with them
Keeping a person from talking to or seeing their loved ones
Gaslighting them
Being over-protective (e.g., helicopter parenting)
How can I let go of my control issues?
When you realize that you cannot control every little detail of your life, you can place your valuable energy elsewhere. You can begin to focus on the things you do have control over, such as your attitude, outlook, mindset, and responses.
When you release outside factors, your confidence in yourself can increase. This then leads to improvements in both your mental and physical health. You can finally allow yourself to experience the joy of freedom. You are now leaving the door open for exciting and interesting possibilities to arise.
If you are looking to overcome your control issues, you can…
Identify Your Emotions
If you want to stop acting in a controlling manner, you must place what feelings are leading you to act that way in the first place. Perhaps your fear of vulnerability causes you to critique others. Maybe your abandonment fears or memories of rejection from childhood make you feel like you must control other people so they do not leave you. Or your rigid and particular routine helps you cope with stress. When you learn what feelings are connected to your controlling behavior, you will gain insight into your emotions.
2. Let Go of What You Cannot Control
When it comes down to it, all you have control over is yourself. You cannot manage other people or your environment at all times. When you let go of what you cannot control, your overall mental health will improve. You may even find that there is a reduction in conflicts in your personal and professional connections. While this will take time and effort, it will be worth it considering the increase you will experience in your quality of life and happiness.
3. Accept Yourself and Other People As You and They Are
We are all human beings at the end of the day. No one is perfect (including yourself) so we should not set those expectations. When you hold yourself or other people to impossible standards, you will inevitably be disappointed which will lead to frustration. Learning to accept yourself and your loved ones as is will produce serenity and love in your life and relationships with others.
4. Practice Stress Management and Relaxation Techniques
When you deal with anxiety and stress on a daily basis, your daily functioning will be impacted. There are many stress management and relaxation techniques out there, so it is important to find what works for you.
Some examples may include:
Meditation
Deep breathing
Visualization exercises
Journaling
Progressive muscle relaxation
Using scented oils in a diffuser
Practicing yoga (If you are interested in learning about the impact of yoga on your mental health, read our recent blog “The Mental Health Benefits of Practicing Yoga.”)
When you enter a state of deep relaxation, you are better equipped to deal with stressors and triggers that ignite your controlling behavior. Therefore, you are in a better position to choose an alternative route to your controlling tendencies.
5. Use A Journal
Make notes about situations and/or environments you find particularly triggering for your controlling behavior.
For instance, you can ask yourself the following:
Where were you?
Was it a stressful setting?
Were you with certain people?
What behaviors did you engage in? (E.g., yelling, restrictive eating, etc.)
How did you feel at the time?
What was the outcome?
Did you accomplish what you wanted to?
How did the other person respond?
How do you feel about the situation now?
Understanding yourself and how your actions affect other people is a crucial step in constructing awareness of your control issues and taking the steps necessary for change.
6. Challenge Unhelpful Thought Patterns
The following actions can take a toll on your mental health and your relationships with others:
Catastrophizing
Holding yourself and/or other people to impossible standards
Engaging in negative thinking
Blaming yourself for outcomes that you have no control over
When you challenge these negative thoughts and consider replacing them with more positive ones, you can alter how you approach situations and interact better with other people. Changing your thought patterns is not an easy task, therefore you may require the help of a behavior therapist.
Cognitive behavioral therapy, also known as CBT, is an evidence-based treatment. CBT therapy focuses on identifying, comprehending, and altering thinking and behavior patterns. Clients will learn how to pinpoint triggers for unwanted, automatic thoughts in cognitive therapy. Once you do this, you can learn how your thoughts impact your behavior and interactions with other people. At the end of CBT therapy, you will have learned coping skills to control your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. If you are struggling with unhealthy thought patterns, it is suggested that you search for cognitive behavioral therapy near you.
7. Get Support From Loved Ones
Whenever you are going through a self-growth journey, support from loved ones is always encouraged! There is no need to go through the process alone. Family and friends are usually supportive of any type of positive growth, especially if your control issues were impacting them. You can chat with your loved one about your journey and progress.
Surrendering to the unknown is scary, particularly if you are not used to it. To many people, surrendering equates to being vulnerable. When you are facing an unexpected event, it takes strength and courage to surrender.
When you surrender, you stop fighting. You stop fighting yourself. You stop resisting or pushing against reality. You may falsely believe that surrender is about inaction. Personal growth comes from working through difficult situations, pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone, and embracing your emotions during the process, even if they are negative.
The desire to control ourselves, our surroundings, and our circumstances is ingrained in our brains. When we know more about the world and how it operates, we feel safer. Contrastingly, the less we know, the less secure we feel. The need for control is often rooted in fear. More particularly, the fear of what might happen outside of our realm of control.
While the need for control is natural, it can often complicate our day-to-day life and relationships. By employing the aforementioned tips, you can be on your way to living a happier life.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark, planning to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
