People pleasing is a common behavior that many struggle with, often without fully understanding why they feel compelled to constantly seek approval and avoid conflict. Research shows that roughly 49-52% of people self-identify as people pleasers. At its core, people pleasing usually stems from deeper emotional needs; like the desire to be accepted, loved, or valued by others. For some, it begins early in life, shaped by family dynamics or experiences where their worth was tied to meeting others’ expectations. This pattern can become so ingrained that it feels automatic, even when it leads to personal stress or resentment.
Understanding the root cause of people pleasing is essential for breaking free from it. It often ties back to fears of rejection, abandonment, or not being “good enough” as you are. When these fears dominate, saying no or asserting your own needs can feel risky or even impossible. Exploring these underlying beliefs helps create space for healthier boundaries and self-acceptance, allowing you to build relationships based on genuine connection rather than constant approval-seeking.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Why do people become people-pleasers?
People often become people-pleasers as a way to gain acceptance, love, or approval, especially when they have experienced conditional love or criticism early in life. If a child learns that their worth depends on meeting others’ expectations; whether from parents, teachers, or peers; they may grow up believing that saying “no” or putting their own needs first risks rejection or conflict. This deeply ingrained survival strategy can carry into adulthood, making it feel safer to prioritize others’ happiness over their own. Over time, people-pleasing becomes an automatic way to avoid disappointment or disapproval, even when it comes at the cost of their own well-being. Read our blog “5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection.”
Another reason people fall into this pattern is rooted in fear- fear of abandonment, confrontation, or being perceived as selfish. Check out our blog “Healing Abandonment Trauma with Inner Work.”
For many, setting boundaries or expressing true feelings triggers anxiety because they worry it will lead to losing relationships or being disliked. View our blog “How to Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships.”
People-pleasing can also be linked to low self-esteem where individuals doubt their inherent worth and try to “earn” love by constantly accommodating others. This creates a cycle where their identity becomes tied to making others happy, leaving little room to explore or prioritize their own desires and needs. Our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” is a must-read.
Check out our blog “11 Reasons Why You Are A People Pleaser.”
What is it like dating a people pleaser?
Dating a people pleaser often feels like being with someone incredibly caring, attentive, and eager to make you happy. They are usually very considerate, quick to compromise, and willing to go out of their way to avoid conflict or discomfort. At first, this can feel like a dream partner- someone who listens closely, remembers the little things, and prioritizes your needs. Their natural desire to please can create a warm, supportive atmosphere, making you feel valued and cherished.
Traits of a people-pleasing romantic partner:
Constantly seeks approval and validation from their partner
Struggles to say "no," even when uncomfortable
Prioritizes their partner’s needs over their own, often to a fault
Avoids conflict or disagreement at all costs
Apologizes frequently, even when not at fault
Suppresses their own opinions or preferences to avoid upsetting their partner
Feels guilty for taking time or space for themselves
Worries excessively about being liked or accepted
Overextends themselves to keep their partner happy
Neglects personal boundaries or finds it hard to enforce them
Bases their self-worth on how their partner feels about them
May feel resentment or burnout but struggles to express it
Tries to "fix" problems or moods that aren't theirs to fix
Can be overly agreeable or accommodating
Struggles with self-identity outside the relationship
However, over time, dating a people pleaser can also reveal some challenges. Because they tend to put others’ needs before their own, they might suppress their true feelings or opinions to avoid disagreement. This can lead to misunderstandings or resentment building quietly beneath the surface, as they struggle with unspoken frustrations. You might notice them agreeing too often, avoiding difficult conversations, or having trouble setting boundaries- behaviors that can make the relationship feel one-sided or emotionally exhausting for them.
Ultimately, dating a people pleaser means learning to encourage open communication and self-expression. It requires patience and reassurance that their worth is not dependent on constant approval or sacrifice. Helping them feel safe to be authentic and supporting them in setting healthy boundaries can deepen trust and balance in the relationship. When both partners can share their needs honestly, the connection becomes stronger and more fulfilling for everyone involved.
View our blog “How to Know If You Are A People Pleaser and the Psychology Behind It.”
Is people pleasing a form of emotional unavailability?
At first glance, people pleasing can look like the opposite of emotional unavailability. After all, people pleasers often appear highly engaged, attentive, and emotionally invested in their relationships. They go out of their way to avoid conflict, make others feel comfortable, and maintain harmony. However, beneath that surface-level warmth is often a deeper emotional disconnect- not from others, but from themselves. Because people pleasers prioritize others’ needs above their own, they may not fully express their true emotions, desires, or boundaries.
This tendency to suppress personal needs can create an emotionally unavailable dynamic, even if unintentionally. A people pleaser may struggle to be vulnerable in a real and balanced way, often hiding their discomfort, sadness, or anger to maintain the peace. This makes it difficult for their partner to truly know them beyond the agreeable facade. Over time, the relationship may start to feel emotionally shallow or imbalanced with one partner giving and adapting while the other feels unsure of what the people pleaser really thinks or feels. Check out our blog “3 Steps to Becoming More Vulnerable.”
What complicates this further is that people pleasing is often rooted in fear- fear of rejection, abandonment, or not being good enough. These fears can prevent someone from opening up fully or asserting their true self. Instead of engaging in honest emotional exchange, they default to saying “yes,” agreeing to avoid conflict, or staying silent when something bothers them. While they may appear emotionally present, they are often emotionally guarded, using compliance as a shield to avoid deeper emotional risk.
So yes, people pleasing can be a form of emotional unavailability, especially when it prevents authentic connection. It creates a dynamic where emotional intimacy is blocked- not because the person does not care, but because they have learned to protect themselves by hiding their truth. Healing from this pattern involves learning to tolerate discomfort, speak up for one’s needs, and trust that real closeness comes from being genuine, not just agreeable.
What type of people do people pleasers attract?
People pleasers often attract individuals who are naturally more dominant, assertive, or emotionally self-focused. These partners may find the accommodating and agreeable nature of a people pleaser comforting and convenient. Since people pleasers tend to avoid conflict and prioritize others’ needs, they can become easy partners for those who prefer to lead or who are less inclined to consider emotional balance in a relationship. In some cases, this dynamic can create a power imbalance where one person takes on more control while the other continuously adapts to maintain peace. View our blog “Are You In A Relationship With A Controlling Partner?”.
Another type of person people pleasers often attract is someone who is emotionally unavailable or avoidant. Because people pleasers are typically very focused on earning love and approval, they may unconsciously pursue partners who are inconsistent or distant- trying to "win them over" in hopes of finally feeling secure. This dynamic can be especially damaging, as the people pleaser may work overtime to meet the other person’s emotional needs while neglecting their own. The avoidant partner, in turn, may appreciate the lack of emotional pressure, reinforcing the unhealthy cycle. To learn more about the attachment styles, read our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
On the flip side, people pleasers can also attract other people pleasers. While this may seem like a peaceful match at first, it can lead to passive communication, emotional suppression, and a lack of authenticity in the relationship. When both partners are afraid to express their true feelings or needs, the connection can become shallow or strained over time. For the relationship to thrive, at least one person has to be willing to step out of the pleasing pattern, set healthy boundaries, and encourage mutual honesty and growth.
What happens when two people pleasers are in a relationship?
When two people pleasers enter a relationship, things can start off incredibly smooth. Both partners are usually kind, accommodating, and deeply invested in making the other feel loved and supported. Conflict is rare in the beginning because both individuals go out of their way to avoid it, often agreeing with each other or suppressing their own preferences to keep the peace. On the surface, it may seem like a perfectly harmonious match, full of mutual respect and consideration.
However, underneath that harmony lies a risk of emotional disconnection. Because both partners are so focused on meeting each other’s needs, they may ignore or even lose touch with their own. Over time, unspoken frustrations can build up as each person silently sacrifices their desires to avoid upsetting the other. Since neither feels comfortable expressing discomfort or dissatisfaction, important conversations are often postponed or never happen at all. This can create an emotional undercurrent of resentment or confusion despite the relationship appearing stable.
Another challenge is the lack of clear boundaries. People pleasers often struggle to say no, ask for space, or make independent choices, and when both people in a relationship share this trait, decisions can become difficult. They may get stuck in a loop of “What do you want to do?” without anyone taking the lead. Over time, this lack of assertiveness can stall the growth of the relationship and leave both partners feeling unseen, even though they are constantly trying to care for each other.
For a relationship between two people pleasers to thrive, both partners need to work on building self-awareness and emotional honesty. This means learning to tune into their own needs, speak up even when it feels uncomfortable, and trust that the relationship can handle healthy conflict. When both people feel safe to be fully themselves, not just the pleasing version, they can create a deeper, more authentic connection that goes beyond surface-level harmony.
Can you have a healthy relationship with a people pleaser?
Yes, you can have a healthy relationship with a people pleaser, but it requires awareness, open communication, and mutual effort. People pleasers are often incredibly kind, empathetic, and committed partners. Their desire to make others happy can bring warmth and stability to a relationship. However, this same instinct to prioritize others can lead them to suppress their own needs, avoid conflict, and overextend themselves- behaviors that can quietly erode emotional intimacy if left unchecked. Check out our blog “How to Unlock Emotional Closeness in Your Relationship with An Intimacy Therapist.”
The key to building a healthy relationship lies in encouraging emotional honesty. If you are in a relationship with a people pleaser, it is important to create a space where they feel safe to speak openly, say “no,” and express disagreement without fear of disappointing you. This means actively checking in with them- not just about surface-level things, but about how they are truly feeling. People pleasers often will not volunteer this information unless directly asked in a supportive way, so gentle encouragement and nonjudgmental listening go a long way.
One of the most effective ways to strengthen this dynamic is through relationship counseling. A trained relationship counselor at Anchor Therapy can help identify the people-pleasing patterns that may be affecting the relationship, and guide both partners toward healthier communication habits. For the people pleaser, therapy can offer tools to develop boundaries, self-worth, and the confidence to advocate for their needs. For their partner, it is a chance to learn how to support their growth without reinforcing the pattern of over-accommodation. Our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need To Know” is a must-read.
In counseling, couples also get the opportunity to practice real-time conversations in a structured environment. This can be especially helpful if conflict avoidance has led to buried resentment or emotional disconnection. The counselor can help reframe disagreements not as threats, but as opportunities for deeper understanding and trust. This process helps shift the relationship away from a dynamic of “pleasing and peacekeeping” toward one of mutual respect and emotional equality.
Ultimately, having a healthy relationship with a people pleaser is not only possible, it can be deeply fulfilling when both partners are willing to grow. With the help of counseling, self-awareness, and consistent communication, people pleasers can learn to step into their authentic selves, and their partners can learn how to truly see and support them. That is when the relationship becomes not just functional, but genuinely intimate and sustainable.
Letting go of people pleasing does not mean becoming selfish- it means learning to show up in your relationships as your full, authentic self. When you begin honoring your own needs and setting healthy boundaries, you create space for deeper connection, mutual respect, and genuine intimacy. Healthier love starts with choosing honesty over approval.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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