A relationship is based on mutual respect, satisfaction, and love. When negative qualities begin to creep in and dominate your relationship instead, your connection can take an unhealthy turn rather quickly. Control issues can manifest different ways depending on the type of romantic connection present. Control issues may not even be noticeable in the beginning of a relationship.
Control issues can be very harmful to a relationship. Whether you are the controller or feel like you are the partner being controlled, you may not even notice it until the damage to your relationship has already ensued.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is controlling behavior?
Everyone yearns for control over their own life but a controlling person extends their power, trying to exert dominance over other peoples’ lives as well. Control issues can be caused by many things, from anxiety to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and other mental health disorders.
Control issues also have the ability to be self-focused as well. Your partner may act in controlling ways towards themselves, such as restricting their food or engaging in compulsive exercising. They could also, for example, engage in excessive cleaning as a way to control their setting. When they exert power over themselves and/or their environment, they feel a sense of relief.
People with control issues will try to micromanage several aspects of a given situation. If you struggle with control issues, read our blog “7 Ways To Let Go Of Control Issues.” You can also take a Control Quiz on Psychology Today to see if this is an issue you struggle with.
When you are on the receiving end of controlling behavior, you may feel a mix of emotions, such as anger, embarrassment, and a sense of inferiority to name a few. In severe cases of control issues in a relationship, there may be a behavioral pattern known as coercive control. That is to say, you may experience intimidation, threats, and even abuse. If you are in an abusive and/or toxic relationship, it is encouraged that you seek professional help as soon as possible. For more information, check out our blog “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship.”
What causes control issues?
Control itself is not a bad thing. In relationships, there actually has to be some level of control so you can set boundaries for yourself and discuss the expectations of the relationship with your partner. Check out our blog “How To Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships” for some tips.
However, controlling behavior does not have a place in a relationship. Controlling behavior can spiral quickly and often occurs when one partner has a deep desire to control their environment and the people in their life.
If you are on the other end of this controlling behavior, it can feel overbearing and oppressive which can lead to the relationship’s demise.
Control issues do not have to be a symptom of a specific mental health disorder for the issue to be present. However, it can signal broader issues, like domestic violence or personality disorders, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). If you resonate with this, read our blog “8 Tips for Dealing With A Narcissist” for some support.
Control issues can become unhealthy if your or your partner’s need for control turns into emotional and/or physical abuse. Generally speaking, the person who is attempting to exert control is not doing so with spiteful intent, but it depends on the individual.
The following are just some reasons why a person may feel a constant need for control:
Low self-esteem (For more information, check out our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”)
A lack of trust in other people
A history of trauma or abuse (For guidance, read our blog “How Childhood Trauma Can Cause Anxiety, Depression, & PTSD”)
Fear (e.g., fear of failure, abandonment, uncertainty, or pain)
Many people who are seeking power and dominance are trying to fill an internal void and may be acting that way due to emotional sensitivity. Control issues may be incredibly subconscious at times so, to change these behavioral patterns, it may take a great deal of work, intention, and time.
If your partner is exerting control over you, they may be doing it just so they can feel in control of the romantic facet of their life. This does not make their controlling behaviors okay but it can offer you some insight into why they are acting in a certain way.
Controlling behaviors cross the line of domestic abuse when it physically or emotionally harms loved ones. Control issues are a learned behavior. In other words, it is a choice your partner makes to exert power and prioritize their well-being without giving yours any consideration.
What does controlling behavior look like?
Controlling behaviors can vary.
One tactic a controlling person may use is to put you down or be overly-critical of you in an attempt to make them look superior. They may spread gossip about you or try to create a negative self-image of you to change the way other people perceive you. If your partner is controlling in your relationship, there is a chance that they are also controlling of other people in their life too. Therefore, they may pressure everyone around them into doing what they want to do. When people in their life listen to them and follow their direction, they may enjoy being the primary person of power and center of attention.
Controlling personalities can also breed more serious or extreme behaviors, like lying or not telling you important pieces of information. Abusive behavior could also reveal itself over time.
Some examples of abusive behavior in a controlling relationship include:
Physical abuse and/or threats to a loved one
Controlling communication (e.g., using a partner’s phone against their wishes, dictating who your partner can spend time with, etc.)
Financial abuse (e.g., managing how much money your partner has access to)
Neglect (e.g., restricting access to necessary resources, such as a phone, health care, food, shelter, etc.)
Preventing a partner from leaving the home if they do not receive “permission”
If you are experiencing any form of domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 right away.
Am I in a controlling relationship?
Your partner’s controlling behaviors can be very subtle or occur so gradually that you do not register it as controlling or unsettling behavior. Then, one day, it hits you and you realize that this behavior is not okay and it is harming not only your relationship dynamic, but you as an individual.
There are many degrees of control, and the way it is integrated in one’s relationship can vary. Regardless of what the behavior is, you should ask yourself how you feel about the behaviors. Do they make you feel insecure? Does it make you feel like you have no say over your life and what happens in it? Do you feel uncomfortable? These are all red flags that should not go unnoticed.
Here are some common signs of a controlling romantic partner:
Your partner makes decisions for you:
Instead of making decisions as a team, you may notice that your partner does not even consult with you- they decide what is best for you. At times, you may view this as an endearing trait but, if it is done on a regular basis, it can become controlling. Maybe your partner always makes the decision to drive, but this is something you like to do. Your significant other can also make decisions for you less overtly. For instance, if they do not like the way you dress, they may begin buying you clothes and slowly changing your wardrobe. On the surface, it seems nice that they are buying you gifts but it is in an attempt to control you.
They blame you for their mistakes:
A controlling person often does not want to take responsibility for their actions. If you are dealing with a controlling person and try to confront them on their behavior, you may find that they turn the situation back around on you and you end up being the one who is apologizing! This is also known as gaslighting. For support, our blog “3 Steps to Survive Gaslighting” is a must-read. An example of this may be having a boyfriend read your text messages to your best friend who you were confiding in about your relationship issues. Although this is an invasion of privacy, you shift your focus from that to your partner’s anger from seeing these messages. Your partner has shifted the blame to avoid responsibility.
Your partner is overprotective:
Caring for you and controlling you are two distinct things and there should not be any overlap. A partner may be considered overprotective if they act out if you do not answer a call or text right away, get angry when you go out with friends, or act jealous when you spend time with other people. They may assume that you are only safe when they are in your presence and they may want you to consult them about every decision in your life. A controlling partner can take things to extremes, advising you against people they do not like or making major life decisions for you. If your partner acts this way regularly and does not take your interests into consideration, it may be a sign that things need to change.
Your significant other manages all aspects of your life:
A controlling partner tries to manage all areas of their life because they think they know what is best for you. At times, it may feel like they treat you more like their child than their partner. Your partner may tell you what to wear, pressure you to be a certain weight, control your finances, prevent you from seeing a doctor or therapist, and/or tell you where you can and cannot go. A controlling partner can also showcase their control in small ways on a daily basis, like monitoring what you purchase or constantly asking you what you discussed during a phone call or meeting.
They isolate you from other people:
One of the most common aspects of a controlling relationship is isolation. Isolating behavior is not immediately obvious. For instance, taking a daily phone call from a family member or friend can be met with eye rolls from your partner. It can also be made more out in the open. Your significant other may complain that you spend too much time with other people, and they may even start to say that certain people in your life are bad influences on you. It is not uncommon for a controlling partner to try to create friction between you and certain people in your life when there are no issues there. They can also make up certain crises to prevent you from spending time with your other loved ones. If you chose to spend time with someone else over them, they may punish you by giving you the silent treatment for example.
Your partner invades your privacy:
A controlling partner may demand to read your text messages or emails. They may snoop on your social media or read your diary when you are not around. They may constantly ask you about how you are feeling or what you are thinking. They can also ask to have your passwords for all of your accounts.
How do I respond to a controlling partner?
If you are with a controlling partner, but you want to make your relationship work, it may be worth it to seek the help of a couples therapist.
At Anchor Therapy, we have couples counselors who can help people navigate relationships with control issues. We offer in-person sessions at our downtown Hoboken, New Jersey office as well as virtual couples therapy to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
A couples therapist can help address control issues in a relationship by:
Pinpointing the root cause of the control issues
Fostering open and honest communication
Setting healthy boundaries
Enhancing emotional regulation
Promoting empathy
Improving communication skills (Read our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need To Know”)
Encouraging mutual respect
Creating problem-solving strategies
Constructing trust
Offering tools for self-reflection
To find out if couples therapy is right for you and your partner, check out our blog “Couples Counseling: 7 Types of Relationships That Can Benefit From Therapy.”
While each couple requires different therapeutic modalities, some common types of therapy that may be used for control issues include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT). Your CBT therapist will teach you how to change and restructure your thought patterns that are leading to your behaviors. Your MBCT counselor will teach you how to be in the present moment without reflecting on the past or looking into the future.
Experiencing control issues, whether you are the one exerting control or the one on the receiving end, is a serious issue that should not go unchecked. The help of a couples therapist is available, and you and your partner can take steps in a more positive direction.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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