Vulnerability plays an important role in our ability to connect with other people. Vulnerability includes emotional exposure with a certain level of unpredictability. When you learn how to be unguarded, you are also learning how to accept a degree of emotional risk that comes along with being open and willing to give and receive love.
If you are afraid of being vulnerable, you are not alone. It is a very common fear to have. However, once you comprehend vulnerability at its core and understand that there is an emotional challenge, you will gain appreciation for being vulnerable and realize that it is well worth the effort. In turn, you can become more vulnerable with the people you care about the most, and build better and stronger connections with your loved ones.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Defining Vulnerability
Vulnerability involves emotional exposure, uncertainty, and risk. Whenever you do something new, leave your comfort zone, or put yourself in a situation where you are not in control, you are being vulnerable.
For instance, let us use vulnerability in the context of exercise. Perhaps you have not worked out in a few months and you are finally in a place where you want to prioritize your physical health, so you sign up for a kickboxing class. You have never taken a kickboxing class in your life, but you are ready to challenge yourself. At last, you make it to the workout class and you get an intense rush of emotions. You do not know what you are doing but you are going to push through and do it anyway- that is what being vulnerable looks like. For more information on the benefits of physical health on your emotional well-being, check out our blog “5 Ways Exercise Benefits Your Mental Health.”
Some people may equate vulnerability to weakness. So, it may not be uncommon that when you reflect back on times you were vulnerable, you feel a sense of embarrassment. But, if we take a closer look at this, you will realize that you were incredibly brave in these moments. You dared to showcase who you truly are emotionally. In other words, you put it all out there.
Maybe putting yourself out there seems like a scary thing to you. If this is the case, I encourage you to take a deeper look at what you truly want out of life. A promotion at work? Close friendships? A romantic partner? A professional mentor? Closer family connections? Whatever it is, you will often find that vulnerability is at the center of it. Belonging, love, happiness, and courage are married together in states of vulnerability. Whenever you feel vulnerable, just know that you are evolving as a person.
The following are just some of the benefits of vulnerability:
Authentic connections
Emotional resilience
Personal growth
Building trust
Effective communication
Empathy
Creativity and innovation
Vulnerability allows you to create deeper relationships, but it is not always an easy thing to do. Recognizing why you may be struggling with vulnerability with trusted people in your life can be a first step in solving your issues with emotional openness.
What are the Different Types of Vulnerability?
What you may not know about vulnerability is that there are four different types of it.
The first type of vulnerability is vulnerability in your relationships. When it comes to romantic connections, every person has different wants and needs. With that being said, you may feel like being open with your partner comes with social risks, like rejection or abandonment. If you are experiencing vulnerability in your relationships, try asking your significant other questions that require an open-ended response. That way, you are not receiving a simple “yes” or “no” answer and, most likely, you will learn more about your partner in the process.
The second type of vulnerability involves openness in your mind and body. Being vulnerable in your mind and body simply means checking in with yourself. When was the last time you gave yourself your real, undivided attention?
If you want to check-in with yourself, ask yourself the following questions:
How are you feeling emotionally right now?
When was the last time you ate?
How was your sleep last night?
How are you feeling about your dating life?
How are you feeling about work?
The third type of vulnerability is in the workplace. Let us face it- working can be vulnerable. Maybe you have been partnered up with a leader in your company to complete a task and that feeling of imposter syndrome starts creeping over you. Perhaps you are comparing yourself to the new hire who seems to have it all figured out already while you are still struggling. If these examples are resonating, you may find it helpful to reflect at the end of your work day. Self-doubt is okay and you are on a constant journey of learning. Try using affirmative language that is rooted in reality to cast away your negative thoughts.
Some examples of work affirmations encompass the following:
“I am resilient throughout challenges.”
“I have limitless potential.”
“Challenges and struggles help me grow.”
“I am grateful for my job.”
“I deserve respect at work.”
“I am confident in my abilities.”
The fourth and final type of vulnerability involves emotional openness in your community. You may struggle with balancing the responsibilities of your own life that it becomes difficult to prioritize socialization in your community. Another reason why it may be hard to connect with other people is if you struggle with social anxiety. If the latter resonates with you, check out our blog “6 Helpful Tips for Living with Social Anxiety.”
You have the power to make the decisions that are right for you. You can remove fear from your life.
Why is Being Vulnerable Important?
If you are familiar with Brene Brown, American professor, author, and podcast host, you may know about her famous message surrounding vulnerability. According to Brown, vulnerability is actually a measure of courage. Your decision to be courageous allows you to be seen and understood by the important people in your life. By being vulnerable, you are able to cultivate feelings of love, belongingness, and authenticity within yourself and your community.
Welcoming vulnerability into your life with open arms can cause you to experience several important emotional benefits. First, you will gain strength. When you purposefully put yourself into vulnerable situations, you can actually boost your self-confidence since you are proving, to yourself, that you can do difficult things. For more information on building self-confidence, our blog “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence” is a must-read. When you increase your confidence, you can successfully navigate even the most difficult life transitions.
Next, you will cultivate stronger relationships by engaging in vulnerability. When you are vulnerable with another person, you can create intimacy within your connection. Not only does your connection with this person deepen, but so does your compassion and empathy as well.
Lastly, you will experience improved self-acceptance. Being vulnerable opens up your eyes to how special and unique you are. There is no one in the world like you and that is something to celebrate. Accept and embrace the different parts of you. This will lead to greater confidence and authenticity. To learn more, check out our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”.
You may be asking yourself, “If vulnerability is a good thing, why are so many people afraid of it?”. And that is a good question to ask. One thing to note about vulnerability is that it involves several difficult emotional states. Vulnerability can go hand-in-hand with grief, disappointment, and shame just to name a few emotions. Your fear of vulnerability can be tied to a fear or rejection or a fear of abandonment.
What Does Vulnerability Look Like?
Being vulnerable means taking the risk to be yourself. For children, this often comes naturally. If a child is happy, you will see a big smile painted on their face. If a child is sad, they will cry. Children are not used to society’s customs or expectations of hiding themselves or their feelings.
As we age into our teen and adult years, we develop a sense of individuality which separates us from other people. We experience happy times as well as loss and disappointment. We present ourselves to the world in a very particular way, even if this means hiding our truest emotions. For instance, think of a time when you were not feeling great but you still went out, put a smile on your face, and laughed the night away. Were you really feeling happy? Probably not but you may have felt pressured to put on the front that everything is okay.
Most people struggle with vulnerability because they are afraid of being hurt deep down. This fear of getting hurt is typically rooted in betrayal, judgment, and rejection. To protect yourself from these risks, you began to act indifferent and suppress your emotions.
But, there is a trade-off to doing this, and it is a pretty big one- you end up self-sabotaging your chance of experiencing real intimacy, love, connection, and community. If you struggle with self-sabotage, read our blog “How to Stop Self-Sabotaging for Good.”
Examples of authenticity can include:
Feel your difficult feelings (e.g., fear, shame, grief, etc.)
Taking chances that could lead to rejection
Discussing past mistakes you have made
Sharing personal details that you have kept confidential
Reconnecting with someone you have lost contact with
Being honest about your boundaries in a friendship or relationship (For support, read our blog “6 Ways to Set Boundaries and Enforce Them”)
How Do People Become Closed Off to Vulnerability?
One of the main reasons why people close themselves off to other people and real emotional connection is because they use self-protection as a coping mechanism. Perhaps you have built walls up around your heart ever since you learned that the world has a potential to be a painful place. You may have even tuned into your ability to deny information, like you never really loved the person who hurt you.
If you struggle with being vulnerable, you may have a constant cycle of negative thoughts that is being played on loop in your mind 24/7. Perhaps you are beginning to believe the negative thoughts about yourself, internalizing those emotions. You may even feel responsible for the negative things that have occurred in your life. This can be self-defeating. Check out our blog “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Negative Self-Talk” for support.
How Can I Become More Vulnerable?
There are many actions you can take towards becoming more vulnerable.
Get to Know Yourself Better
When it comes to becoming more vulnerable with other people, it may seem counterintuitive to go inwards but this can help you learn a lot more about yourself which will be helpful later down the road in your vulnerability journey. If you want to minimize self-isolation, embrace who you really are.
If you have been hurt in the past, you may want to minimize the chance of that happening again but you do not have to go to the extreme of building walls around yourself.
Loving yourself is a hard thing to do because it encompasses loving all parts of yourself, even your flaws, embarrassing stories, and past mistakes. But, this is what makes you (and everyone else in the world) perfectly human. Many people wish they could change certain things and have insecurities about themselves.
No matter how successful or perfect someone appears, everyone struggles with feelings of inadequacy from time-to-time.
2. Tell People How You Really Feel
If you become more in tune with your emotions, you can then learn how to communicate those feelings with other people. You can start by telling people how you really feel about things, even if it seems insignificant.
For instance, maybe you and a friend are trying out a new coffee shop. Your friend thinks the coffee is amazing but your latte was so-so, this could be an opportunity to voice how you really feel. This does not mean that you have to be rude but it is just a way to express your opinion.
An additional example could be that you are missing a dear family member. While you may have pushed these thoughts aside in the past, perhaps you could now take a chance to send your family member a text and let them know how you really feel.
Self-expression can be a difficult thing to do if you care deeply about other people’s feelings or what they think of you. Read one of our most popular blogs “11 Reasons Why You Are A People-Pleaser” for help.
3. Heal Your Attachment Wounds
As mentioned previously, a fear of vulnerability is typically rooted in a fear of abandonment or rejection. These fears are rooted in past experiences where that very thing happened which can be known as attachment issues. If you are struggling with this, it is recommended that you meet with an attachment therapist who can help you heal these wounds.
The goal of attachment therapy is to develop a secure attachment style. A person who is securely attached is often comfortable with vulnerability. It is okay to need other people and yearn for social connection, and it is okay for those people to need you back. A securely attached person does not view vulnerability as a challenge since they have a strong sense of self.
To learn more about the four attachment styles, check out our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
At Anchor Therapy, we have attachment therapists who can help you heal today. Attachment issues in adults can be treated using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Your CBT therapist for attachment issues will help you understand your thoughts so much to the point that you can actually transform them along with your behaviors and coping mechanisms. In addition to your individual CBT work, your attachment counselor may recommend couples counseling or family counseling if needed.
Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) is another common type of therapy that is used to treat attachment-related concerns. IPT can assist you by addressing your current emotional issues and improving interpersonal relationships. Your IPT therapist will work with you to explore relationship patterns, and help you understand how your attachment styles impact this cycle. Your IPT counselor for attachment problems will also improve your communication skills so you can navigate connections more successfully.
Being vulnerable is a risk but it does pay off. Even if vulnerability does not come natural to you, you can learn how to become vulnerable by following the three steps above.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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