Our sense of self-worth does not form in isolation as it grows through our earliest relationships. The way we learn to connect, depend on others, and feel safe in love becomes the blueprint for how we see ourselves. This blueprint is known as our attachment style. Whether you identify as secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant, your attachment style subtly shapes how you view your value in relationships and the world around you.
When self-esteem and attachment intertwine, they can create either a strong foundation of confidence or a cycle of self-doubt and emotional insecurity. Understanding this connection is a powerful first step toward healing. By recognizing how attachment patterns influence the way you talk to yourself, trust others, and set boundaries, you can begin to rebuild self-esteem that comes from within, not from the approval or affection of others.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
The Four Attachment Styles
The four main attachment styles describe how people form emotional bonds and respond to closeness, trust, and intimacy, both in childhood and adulthood. They stem from early interactions with caregivers and often influence how we relate to others throughout life.
There are four main attachment styles that shape the way we connect with others: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.
People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust others easily, communicate their needs openly, and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships.
Those with an anxious (or preoccupied) attachment style, on the other hand, often crave closeness and reassurance but worry about being rejected or abandoned. They may overanalyze their relationships and become preoccupied with their partner’s feelings. Read our blog “How to Use Anxious Attachment Therapy to Build Secure Attachment.”
Individuals with an avoidant (or dismissive) attachment style tend to value independence and self-reliance above all else. They often suppress their emotions, avoid vulnerability, and keep others at a distance to protect themselves from feeling dependent.
Finally, the fearful-avoidant (or disorganized) attachment style combines both anxious and avoidant traits as these individuals long for love and connection but fear getting too close. Their relationships can be marked by emotional turbulence, trust issues, and a constant push-and-pull dynamic.
By understanding your attachment style, you can recognize patterns in how you relate to others and begin to build healthier, more secure connections. To learn more, read our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
What does unhealthy attachment look like?
Unhealthy attachment often develops from inconsistent, neglectful, or traumatic early relationships. It is characterized by patterns that interfere with forming secure, trusting bonds in adulthood. People with unhealthy attachment styles may struggle to regulate emotions, communicate needs effectively, or maintain stable, supportive relationships. These patterns can show up in both romantic and platonic relationships, affecting overall well-being and self-esteem.
One common sign of unhealthy attachment is fear of abandonment or rejection. Individuals may become overly clingy, anxious, or controlling in relationships to prevent perceived loss. This is most typical of the anxious attachment style where self-worth is tied closely to the approval and attention of others. Even minor conflicts can trigger disproportionate fear and insecurity, leading to cycles of overthinking, jealousy, or repeated reassurance-seeking.
Another hallmark of unhealthy attachment is emotional distancing and avoidance. Avoidant individuals may suppress feelings, resist intimacy, or push others away to maintain a sense of control. While this may appear as independence or strength, it often masks underlying insecurity and difficulty trusting others.
Fearful-avoidant individuals combine both patterns, craving connection while simultaneously fearing it, resulting in push-pull dynamics that create instability and emotional exhaustion for both partners.
In addition, unhealthy attachment often involves poor communication and boundary issues. View our blog “How to Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships.”
People may struggle to express their emotions openly, react defensively to feedback, or ignore their own needs to avoid conflict. These behaviors perpetuate misunderstandings, resentment, and a lack of emotional safety in relationships. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing, as awareness allows individuals to seek healthier ways of relating, build secure attachments, and cultivate self-esteem and trust over time.
Which attachment style indicates low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem is most commonly linked to insecure attachment styles, particularly the anxious and fearful-avoidant types. These attachment patterns develop when early caregiving relationships are inconsistent, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable. When a child’s need for comfort and validation is not reliably met, they may internalize the belief that they are unworthy of love or that love must be earned through constant effort. This insecurity can follow them into adulthood, shaping how they view themselves and others.
People with an anxious attachment style often struggle with low self-esteem because they base their self-worth on external validation. Their sense of value tends to fluctuate depending on how others treat them, especially in romantic relationships. When they receive attention or affection, they feel worthy; when that attention fades, they may spiral into self-doubt or fear of rejection. Read our blog “5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection.”
This constant emotional rollercoaster makes it difficult to maintain a stable sense of self and often leads to people-pleasing or overanalyzing behaviors in an attempt to feel secure. Our blog “Breaking Free from People Pleasing to Build Healthier Romantic Relationships” is a must-read.
Those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style also tend to experience low self-esteem, but for slightly different reasons. They often desire closeness while simultaneously fearing it which creates inner conflict and confusion. Because they expect both rejection and disappointment, they may struggle to trust others or themselves. This push-pull dynamic can leave them feeling unlovable or “too much” for others, reinforcing a deep sense of inadequacy and emotional isolation. View our blog “How to Deal with Trust Issues” if you resonate with this attachment style.
In contrast, individuals with a secure attachment style typically have healthier self-esteem because they learned early on that they are valued and that others can be trusted. Their self-worth is not dependent on constant reassurance, allowing them to approach relationships with confidence and balance. The good news is that attachment styles can change through self-awareness, therapy, and emotionally supportive relationships, it is possible to heal from insecure patterns and build a stronger, more stable sense of self.
Check out our blog “How to Fix Attachment Issues As An Adult.”
What are the 3 Cs of self-esteem?
Self-esteem is more than just feeling good about yourself; it is a reflection of how you value and treat yourself across all areas of life. Psychologists often describe healthy self-esteem using the framework of the 3 Cs: competence, confidence, and connection.
These three components provide a clear way to understand, nurture, and strengthen your sense of self-worth. By exploring each C, you can identify areas of growth and create a more balanced and resilient self-image.
Competence
The first C, competence, refers to your belief in your abilities and skills. It is about recognizing what you can do well and taking pride in your accomplishments. Competence does not mean being perfect at everything; rather, it involves acknowledging your strengths, learning from mistakes, and building skills over time. When you feel competent, you are more likely to approach challenges with a proactive attitude, take risks, and maintain a sense of personal effectiveness.
2. Confidence
The second C, confidence, is the trust you have in yourself and your judgments. Confidence allows you to make decisions without excessive self-doubt and to navigate social, professional, and personal situations with assurance. Unlike competence, which focuses on skill, confidence reflects your overall belief in your ability to handle life’s ups and downs. Strong confidence comes from both self-reflection and repeated experiences of success, even small ones, which reinforce the understanding that you are capable and resilient.
For support, read our blog “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence.”
3. Connection
The third C, connection, emphasizes the importance of relationships and a sense of belonging. Humans are social beings, and feeling valued, supported, and understood by others directly impacts self-esteem. Healthy connections provide encouragement, constructive feedback, and emotional nourishment, all of which reinforce your sense of worth. At the same time, connection also involves treating others with respect and empathy, creating a positive cycle of giving and receiving validation.
Together, the 3 Cs of competence, confidence, and connection form a comprehensive foundation for self-esteem. By cultivating your skills, trusting your abilities, and fostering meaningful relationships, you can build a resilient sense of self-worth that withstands life’s challenges. Understanding and applying the 3 Cs in daily life is a powerful way to enhance personal growth, emotional well-being, and overall happiness.
Do avoidants have high self-esteem?
People with an avoidant attachment style are often seen as independent, self-sufficient, and emotionally distant. On the surface, these traits can make it appear as though they have high self-esteem because they rarely seek validation from others and seem confident in their ability to handle life on their own. They often project a strong, capable persona, giving the impression that they are comfortable with themselves and do not rely on others for emotional support.
However, this apparent confidence can be misleading. Avoidant individuals often use independence and emotional detachment as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from vulnerability or potential rejection. Read our blog “3 Steps to Becoming More Vulnerable.”
While they may outwardly assert self-reliance, they can struggle with internal doubts and insecurities. In other words, their self-esteem may not be genuinely high; it is sometimes a mask for underlying fears of intimacy or feelings of unworthiness.
In relationships, this dynamic becomes clearer. Avoidants may distance themselves from emotional closeness, avoid expressing needs, or downplay the importance of validation from partners. While these behaviors can maintain a sense of control, they also limit authentic connection and can prevent them from experiencing the kind of secure, supportive relationships that reinforce true self-esteem. Over time, this avoidance can perpetuate a cycle of emotional suppression and self-doubt. View our blog “7 Ways to Let Go of Control Issues.”
In conclusion, avoidant attachment is often mistaken for high self-esteem, but in reality, it is more complex. The self-confidence they display externally may conceal vulnerabilities and insecurities beneath the surface. True high self-esteem involves not only independence but also the ability to be vulnerable, trust others, and feel worthy of love which are all areas where avoidants may struggle. Understanding this distinction is crucial for fostering emotional growth and building healthier, more secure connections.
Which attachment style is the most jealous?
The attachment style most commonly associated with jealousy is the anxious (or preoccupied) attachment style. People with this style often fear abandonment and worry that their partners do not love or value them enough. Read our blog “Healing Abandonment Trauma with Inner Work.”
Because their self-esteem is frequently tied to external validation, they can be hyper-aware of potential threats to the relationship whether real or imagined. This fear can easily manifest as jealousy, as they may interpret minor actions, like a partner spending time with someone else, as signs of rejection. View our blog “5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection.”
Jealousy in anxious individuals is often emotional and intense. It is not just about the actions of their partner but also about their own internal insecurities. They may overanalyze interactions, seek constant reassurance, or become clingy, all in an effort to secure the relationship and protect themselves from perceived loss. Unlike avoidants, who tend to suppress emotions and maintain distance, anxious individuals experience jealousy in a way that is highly visible and relationally charged.
In contrast, people with secure attachment rarely experience chronic jealousy because they have confidence in their self-worth and in the stability of their relationships. Avoidant individuals may feel jealousy internally but are more likely to detach or dismiss these feelings rather than express them. Fearful-avoidants may also experience jealousy, but it is often accompanied by ambivalence as they simultaneously desire closeness and fear intimacy. Overall, anxious attachment stands out as the style most prone to jealousy because of its deep-seated fears of abandonment and need for reassurance.
In the end, understanding attachment styles is not just about labeling behaviors, it is about recognizing the patterns that shape how we love, trust, and see ourselves. Whether your attachment tendencies lean anxious, avoidant, fearful, or secure, each reflects experiences that once helped you cope but may no longer serve your growth today. If you find that these patterns are affecting your self-esteem or relationships, working with a therapist for self-esteem at Anchor Therapy can be a powerful step toward healing. A qualified professional can help you uncover the roots of your attachment style, develop healthier coping strategies, and build the confidence to form secure, fulfilling connections. True growth begins with self-awareness, compassion and the willingness to seek support on your journey toward wellness.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media/community presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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