The #1 thing that destroys marriages is not always dramatic as it is often something that quietly erodes the bond over time: a breakdown in communication. When couples stop truly talking and listening to each other, small misunderstandings turn into major resentments. Conversations become arguments, emotional distance grows, and partners begin to feel unheard or unloved. Without open, honest, and empathetic communication, even the strongest relationships can start to crumble.
Healthy communication is the heartbeat of every successful marriage. It is what allows couples to navigate conflict, share dreams, express needs, and maintain emotional intimacy. When that connection fades, partners can drift apart, not because they stopped loving each other, but because they stopped understanding each other. Recognizing the signs of poor communication and making intentional efforts to rebuild it can mean the difference between a relationship that merely survives and one that truly thrives.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is Gottman marriage counseling?
Gottman marriage counseling is a research-based approach to relationship therapy developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Unlike many traditional counseling methods that rely mainly on theory, the Gottman Method is grounded in over four decades of scientific study on what makes relationships succeed or fail. Through their extensive research with thousands of couples, the Gottmans identified specific behaviors and communication patterns that predict long-term relationship satisfaction and those that lead to divorce. Their method focuses on teaching couples practical skills to build a stronger emotional connection, manage conflict constructively, and create shared meaning in their lives together.
At the core of Gottman marriage counseling is the concept of the “Sound Relationship House.” This model outlines the key components of a healthy relationship, such as building love maps (deep understanding of your partner’s inner world), sharing fondness and admiration, turning toward each other instead of away, managing conflict, and creating shared goals. The foundation of this “house” is trust and commitment which are two essential elements that support every other aspect of the relationship. The Gottman approach helps couples strengthen these foundational layers so they can withstand stress, life transitions, and conflict more effectively.
Another hallmark of the Gottman Method is its focus on identifying and reducing the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” or four destructive communication behaviors that can ruin relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Our Gottman therapists at Anchor Therapy teach couples how to recognize these patterns when they arise and replace them with healthier communication habits. For example, partners learn to express complaints without blame, take responsibility instead of getting defensive, and calm themselves before shutting down emotionally. By addressing these behaviors, couples can stop toxic cycles before they escalate. Check out our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need to Know.”
The Gottman Method is also deeply emotionally attuned. It encourages partners to become more empathetic and responsive to each other’s needs. Through specific exercises and guided dialogue, couples learn how to express affection, appreciation, and understanding in ways that feel genuine. This focus on emotional connection helps partners feel seen, heard, and valued which research shows is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. Gottman therapists often use real-time feedback and structured interventions to help couples rebuild trust and intimacy during sessions.
What are the benefits of Gottman marriage counseling?
Research-based approach
Improved communication
Deeper emotional connection
Conflict management skills (View our blog “5 Ways to Solve Common Relationship Problems”)
Reduction of toxic behaviors (Check out our blog “How To Tell If You’re In A Toxic Relationship”)
Rebuilding trust (Read our blog “How to Deal with Trust Issues”)
Increased relationship satisfaction
Long-term stability
Personal growth for both partners
Applicability for all marriage stages
Ultimately, Gottman marriage counseling is not just about solving problems, it is about creating a thriving partnership. It provides couples with tools to navigate conflict, deepen friendship, and build a shared vision for the future. Because it is grounded in scientific evidence rather than abstract theory, the Gottman Method is highly practical and adaptable for couples at any stage whether they are newlyweds, facing a crisis, or seeking to rekindle long-term love. By learning to understand each other’s emotional worlds and communicate with respect and compassion, couples can turn their relationship into a lasting source of connection and joy.
What is the 7-7-7 rule for marriages?
The 7-7-7 rule for marriages is a simple yet powerful relationship guideline designed to help couples stay connected and intentional about nurturing their bond. The concept suggests that couples should go on a date every 7 days, take a weekend getaway every 7 weeks, and enjoy a vacation together every 7 months. This structured rhythm encourages consistent quality time, allowing partners to break free from the routines of daily life and refocus on each other. It is not about extravagance or perfection, it is about prioritizing your relationship and making regular space for love, fun, and intimacy.
The first part of the rule, a date every 7 days, emphasizes the importance of weekly connection. Life gets busy with work, chores, and family obligations, and many couples find themselves acting more like roommates than romantic partners. A weekly date night helps prevent that disconnect by carving out time to laugh, talk, and rekindle romance. Whether it is dinner out, a movie at home, or a walk in the park, the key is to put away distractions and give each other undivided attention.
The next step, a weekend away every 7 weeks, takes that connection deeper. Escaping from your daily environment, even for a short time, helps you and your partner reset and create new shared memories. It does not have to be an expensive trip; it could be a cozy cabin, a nearby city, or even camping under the stars. The point is to step away from routine responsibilities and experience something together that refreshes your bond. These mini-getaways often reignite emotional intimacy and remind partners why they fell in love in the first place.
Finally, a vacation every 7 months serves as a longer, more immersive opportunity to reconnect and reflect. Extended time away allows couples to truly decompress, have meaningful conversations, and strengthen their emotional and physical closeness. This part of the 7-7-7 rule reinforces the value of shared adventure and deep rest, both of which are vital for sustaining a long-term partnership. When couples consistently follow this pattern, they build a habit of intentional connection which turns their marriage into a continual cycle of renewal, love, and growth.
What is the #1 rule of a marriage according to Gottman?
According to Dr. John Gottman, the #1 rule of a successful marriage is to “turn toward each other instead of away.” This principle lies at the heart of the Gottman Method and emphasizes the importance of responding positively to your partner’s bids for attention, affection, or support. Every day, couples make small emotional “bids”; such as a smile, a question, a touch, or even a sigh; that signal a desire for connection. How partners respond to these bids determines the strength and longevity of their relationship. Turning toward your partner, even in small ways, builds trust, intimacy, and emotional safety over time. Read our blog “How to Unlock Emotional Closeness in Your Relationship with An Intimacy Therapist.”
When couples consistently turn toward each other, they create a foundation of friendship and mutual respect. Gottman’s research shows that in happy marriages, partners respond positively to one another’s bids about 86% of the time, while in unhappy relationships, that number drops significantly. These tiny moments of connection; like making eye contact, offering a hug, or listening attentively; may seem insignificant, but they accumulate into what Gottman calls an “emotional bank account.” The more deposits couples make through positive interactions, the more resilient their relationship becomes during conflict or stress.
Conversely, when partners turn away or against each other, the emotional bond begins to weaken. Turning away might look like ignoring a comment or being too distracted by a phone while turning against could involve responding with irritation or sarcasm. Over time, these missed connections can create emotional distance and resentment. Gottman’s studies show that couples who repeatedly fail to respond to bids for connection are far more likely to experience disconnection, loneliness, and ultimately, relationship breakdown.
The beauty of the “turn toward” rule is its simplicity and power. It does not require grand gestures or constant agreement, just consistent attention and care in the small moments that matter most. Whether it is saying “I love you” before bed, asking about your partner’s day, or offering comfort during a tough time, each act of turning toward reinforces the bond between partners. Gottman’s #1 rule reminds couples that lasting love is not built in big moments, but in the everyday choices to connect, listen, and show up for one another.
What is the Gottman 6 hour rule?
The Gottman 6-Hour Rule is a powerful framework designed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman to help couples stay emotionally connected and intentional about their relationship even in the middle of busy, everyday life. It is based on the idea that dedicating just six focused hours each week to your partner can significantly strengthen your bond and improve relationship satisfaction. The rule is not about spending all day together; instead, it is about investing quality, purposeful time in small, consistent ways that nurture love, trust, and friendship.
The six hours are broken down into five key practices that couples can incorporate into their weekly routine.
The five key Gottman-based practices are:
Partings
Reunions
Admiration and appreciation
Affection
Date time
The goal is to intentionally connect in meaningful moments- before leaving for work, when reuniting at the end of the day, or while sharing affection and gratitude. By focusing on these small but significant interactions, couples build what Gottman calls “emotional bank accounts,” making deposits of love and positivity that buffer the relationship during times of conflict or stress.
For example, before parting ways in the morning, Gottman recommends spending at least two minutes learning something new about your partner’s day ahead- their plans, feelings, or concerns. When reuniting, take at least 20 minutes to truly reconnect without distractions, sharing about your day and listening attentively. Add in daily gestures of affection, frequent words of appreciation, and a dedicated two-hour date each week, and you will reach about six hours of intentional connection. The structure gives couples a realistic, achievable way to stay close without feeling overwhelmed.
The beauty of the 6-Hour Rule is its simplicity and sustainability. It acknowledges that modern life is busy, yet it reminds couples that love thrives on consistent attention, not grand gestures. By intentionally setting aside just a few minutes each day for meaningful connection, partners can prevent emotional drift, reduce conflict, and increase intimacy. In essence, the 6-Hour Rule turns relationship maintenance into a joyful habit, helping you and your significant other stay in tune, supportive, and deeply connected no matter how hectic life becomes.
A strong, lasting marriage is not built overnight. Instead, it is nurtured through consistent care, communication, and emotional connection. From understanding the 7-7-7 rule to applying Gottman’s principles like turning toward each other and practicing the 6-Hour Rule, couples can learn to keep love alive through small, intentional actions. These research-backed strategies remind us that thriving relationships are built not just on romance, but on trust, respect, and the daily choice to stay connected. When both partners commit to growing together, they create a bond that can weather challenges and deepen over time.
At Anchor Therapy, our Gottman-trained therapists specialize in helping couples apply these proven techniques in practical, meaningful ways. Whether you are navigating conflict, rebuilding trust, or simply wanting to strengthen your connection, our couples counselors provide a safe, supportive space to explore your relationship and learn tools that last. Every marriage can benefit from expert guidance- not because it is broken, but because every partnership deserves the chance to thrive. If you are ready to invest in your relationship and rediscover the joy of true emotional intimacy, reach out to us today and take the first step toward a healthier, more fulfilling marriage.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level.
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