This is part 1 of a two part blog series. After reading this, check out part 2 at, “TIPS AND TOOLS TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR PARTNER THROUGH COVID-19”.
As a couple’s therapist, the most common issue I see among couples is a breakdown in communication. This does not mean that they are unable to communicate, but that their communication no longer makes them feel connected. In a relationship, we all want to feel heard, seen, and understood. This often gets lost in translation, and is even more difficult to repair under the current circumstance. While many are spending more time than ever together during the pandemic, healthy and effective communication can take a back seat to external stressors. It can be hard not to get caught up in talking about the basics: work, kids, to-do lists and so on. If you are looking to improve communication with your partner, you may need to challenge yourself to do something different and outside of your comfort zone. A strong and fulfilling relationship needs a strong foundation, and that foundation is almost always built on healthy communication.
In this first blog of a two-part blog series, I will discuss two key types of communication that couples have and the common problems that may arise for each.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, and life transitions. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing telehealth (video/phone) sessions to residents of New Jersey and New York.
The 2 Key Types Of Communication For Couples:
When it comes to understanding how communication impacts relationships, there is much more to the puzzle than just what we say and hear. Below we will review two key types of communication that I focus on in couples counseling and how they influence your relationship.
Non-verbal Communication
What you do:
Non-verbal communication is the way we use our body to express feelings and reactions to what we hear/see. It is extremely helpful in better understanding what a person is really saying. While non-verbal communication can be very helpful, it can also create great strain in a relationship. Have you noticed that sometimes you receive (or send) mixed messages? This happens when our verbal and non-verbal cues don’t match up. The way you listen, look, move, and react tell the other person whether or not you care, if you’re being truthful, and how well you are actually listening. When your partner feels that your verbal and nonverbal cues match, it builds trust and connection. When they don’t, it can create a lot of tension and confusion. Common types of non-verbal communication include: facial expressions, posture, eye contact, gestures, and so much more.
Common Problems with Non-Verbal Cues:
Mixed messages and passive aggression are the two major detractors of healthy non-verbal communication. If you are telling your partner something that upset you and they respond without looking at you, do you feel heard? Of course not, and neither do they. Whether it's an eye roll, a body position facing away from the speaker, or a basic frown, the message is always the same, “I am not interested in what you have to say.” Unspoken messages are constantly being sent back and forth in any interactions, and it is important to pay attention to them. If you want your partner to listen and care about what you are trying to express, then you need to do the same for them.
Many of these mixed messages are communicated in couple relationships. A partner may say, “I love you” throughout the day then behave indifferently and disengaged. Think about how it has felt for you in the past when you’ve received these confusing cues. For example, has your other half ever expressed interest or concern for a problem you have? Yet, when you go to talk it through with them you may be met with disinterest, distraction and interruptions. When our words and actions match, it fosters a deeper connection and sense of safety. The importance of consistency in what you communicate and what you do can often be overlooked. In other words, be truthful in how you communicate both verbally and non-verbally.
Passive aggression is a habit many are guilty of from time to time. It is a way to hide negative feelings by covering them in a blanket of humor or subtleties. Have you ever asked your partner to clean something up and while they agree to do it, you hear a huff or a sigh? This is a way to disguise underlying hostility or resentment. What this also accomplishes is creating a negative environment that leaves your romantic partner feeling frustrated and alone. Additionally, this pattern can create a pattern of one partner feeling like a parent while the other one assumes the role of the child. Say how you feel, allow your partner to respond, and create a compromise (more on this in Part 2 of this blog series!).
Passive aggressive expressions can put you and your partner in a stalemate on communication. The most pivotal example of this would be the dreaded silent treatment. This is the most extreme example of damaging non-verbal communication because you shut down communication altogether. When you stonewall and ignore your romantic partner, it leaves you both feeling alone, defeated, and unresolved. It can create a feeling of insecurity and leave one another in an unnecessary standstill. No matter how big or small the issue, the best way to work it out is to talk it out. Yes, that may be uncomfortable and difficult to do. In the end, putting work into a resolution is always more beneficial for your connection than withdrawal.
Verbal Communication
What you say:
Verbal communication is how we use language, words, phrases, and so on to express ourselves. Verbal communication can be an all-encompassing word for how one communicates and interacts with the world. In actuality, verbal communication has many layers and complexities, which makes it very easy to misunderstand those around us. This is especially true in relationships, as words can often be misinterpreted. In relationships, words can take on new meanings, and without clarification, could leave your partner with a message you did not intend to send. There are many pieces of verbal communication that slip through the cracks in relationships. If you and your partner can work on being more attentive and clear in what you communicate, your partner will likely react in a much more positive way.
Common Problems in Verbal Communication:
As a couple’s counselor, one of the most common complaints I hear about communication in a relationship is an issue with tone. It goes back to the age old saying, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” While it may sound easy enough to understand, often this issue comes up without the speaker knowing it is happening. Everyone enters a relationship with their own history, identity, and way of communicating. The importance of understanding how your partner is perceiving you while you express yourself is key in improving overall satisfaction with communication in your relationship.
When your partner speaks to you with a sarcastic or critical tone, how does it make you feel? I doubt your answer will include “loved” and “understood”. Instead, the use of a critical or negative tone leaves tension in the relationship. Now, imagine hearing the same words in a kind and loving tone of voice. You and your partner are much more likely to hear one another out and work on a compromise if the problem is communicated from a place of compassion.
The next common problem that couples face is deciphering between what is said and what is heard. We call this process versus content…this means what you meant to express and what the other person thinks you are saying. Often, in arguments between couples they get wrapped up in the specifics of the words chosen (content) rather than the meaning behind the words themselves (process). This is also where the problems of both verbal and non-verbal communication collide. The message can be interpreted by the person listening with a mix of both verbal and non-verbal cues. If you feel yourself being upset by something your partner is saying, try to repeat it back to them and ask if you are interpreting their message the way they truly meant it.
This issue leads into the next, triggering words or phrases. As human beings we develop certain negative responses to particular phrases, criticisms, and perceived judgments. Are you and your spouse consistently coming back to the same argument or issue, but struggling to communicate through it? There is a strong possibility that you are reacting to more than just the immediate situation. Most of our communication feels habitual and automatic. You and your partner may not be aware that the specific words you use can deeply impact the other in a negative way. If you are unaware of the effects our words have on the other person, you may easily hurt one another without any intention to do so.
There are also triggering criticisms that can become repetitive and slowly chip away at your communication. Say you and your partner argue often about a household responsibility. Over time, this issue becomes bigger and bigger due to a history of engaging in the same confrontation. Think of it as an accumulation of a problem that becomes larger and larger the more it comes up in the relationship. One partner may be easily triggered to anger because they feel they have expressed themselves enough over the same issue. While the other partner may now be prone to becoming defensive and disengaged.
What Now?
Just because these are the most common issues within a couple’s communication does not mean there aren’t many more that may arise. Take a moment with your partner and think about how these styles of communication impact your relationship. With all the time you may be spending together during quarantine, I bet they are more present than ever. Try and open a dialogue around what has not been working, and potential ways to work on it.
If you feel like you need some additional support and help in improving the communication and connection in your relationship, couple’s counseling can be a highly beneficial resource. I have seen couples overcome these issues and many more with some guidance and outside encouragement. Improving the way you talk to and understand one another will create a more positive dynamic. In the next part of this blog series, I will review some helpful tools to begin to address these common problems that couple’s come across.
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For more tips and tolls to improve communication in your relationship, check out part 2 of this blog post series here!
Lauren Mandelbaum, LPC, NCC, CCMHC
is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in Hoboken, New Jersey. She specializes in helping teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, and life transitions through counseling. Lauren can help NJ residents through telehealth (video/phone) therapy sessions as well.
