Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) is often misunderstood, and many of the ideas floating around about it are more myth than reality. From assumptions that ENM relationships are inherently unstable to the belief that jealousy makes them impossible, misconceptions can create unnecessary fear or judgment for those exploring this relationship style. These myths not only misrepresent the experiences of people in ENM but also make it harder for newcomers to approach it with confidence and clarity. Understanding what ENM truly is and what it is not is the first step in challenging these misconceptions!
In reality, ENM relationships come in many forms, from open relationships to polyamory, and can be deeply fulfilling when approached ethically and intentionally. Just like any other relationship, success in ENM depends on communication, trust, and respect- not on rigid societal norms about monogamy. By examining the most common myths and setting the record straight, this blog aims to shed light on how ENM works in practice, offering a clearer, more accurate perspective for anyone curious about exploring alternative ways of loving.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Myth 1: ENM Relationships Are Just About Sex
One of the most persistent myths about ENM is that it is purely sexual, and that people engage in ENM relationships only to satisfy physical desires. While sexual expression can be a part of many ENM arrangements, reducing these relationships to just sex misses the complexity and emotional depth involved.
ENM is fundamentally about exploring connections outside traditional monogamy in an ethical, consensual, and transparent way. For many, it is just as much, or even more, about emotional intimacy, friendship, companionship, and personal growth as it is about sexual experiences!
In reality, people in ENM relationships often invest significant time and energy into communication, emotional support, and boundary-setting with multiple partners. These relationships require honesty, empathy, and negotiation to succeed, much like any monogamous relationship. View our blogs “4 Communication Tips Couples Need To Know” and “How to Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships.”
Partners may share responsibilities, support each other’s personal goals, and form deep emotional bonds that are unrelated to sexual activity. ENM challenges the assumption that intimacy is a one-size-fits-all concept and demonstrates that love, trust, and commitment can exist in many forms beyond traditional monogamy.
Reducing ENM to a “sex-only” arrangement also perpetuates stigma and misunderstanding, discouraging those who might benefit from exploring alternative relationship structures. Recognizing the full spectrum of what ENM can include helps people see it as a legitimate, meaningful approach to relationships rather than a purely sexual arrangement. By understanding the emotional, psychological, and practical aspects of ENM, it becomes clear that sex is often just one piece of a much larger, complex puzzle. View our blog “What to Expect in Sex Therapy.”
Myth 2: Jealousy Makes ENM Impossible
One of the biggest misconceptions about ENM is that jealousy makes it inherently unworkable. Many assume that if a person feels jealousy, they cannot participate in ENM, and that all relationships outside monogamy inevitably lead to conflict or heartbreak. In reality, jealousy is a natural human emotion, not a moral failing or a sign that ENM is impossible. What matters is not the absence of jealousy, but how it is acknowledged, understood, and managed within the relationship. ENM encourages self-reflection and honest communication which allows partners to navigate these feelings constructively rather than suppressing or denying them.
ENM relationships often provide tools and strategies to cope with jealousy that are not always available in traditional monogamous relationships. For example, partners may use open discussions, agreed-upon boundaries, or scheduled “check-ins” to address feelings of insecurity before they escalate.
By naming jealousy and examining its root causes; whether fear of loss, inadequacy, or unmet emotional needs; individuals can turn these moments into opportunities for personal growth and deeper relational intimacy. Many people in ENM report that they experience jealousy less intensely over time as they develop trust, self-awareness, and resilience.
Framing jealousy as a barrier to ENM oversimplifies a complex emotion and reinforces stigma around alternative relationship structures. Rather than being a dealbreaker, jealousy can serve as a guidepost, helping partners identify areas that need attention, communication, or reassurance.
ENM teaches that relationships are not about eliminating difficult emotions, but about responding to them with empathy, honesty, and cooperation. In this way, jealousy does not make ENM impossible- it simply becomes one of many challenges that, when approached thoughtfully, can strengthen both personal growth and relational bonds.
Myth 3: ENM Means Lack of Commitment
A common myth about ENM is that it reflects a lack of commitment or seriousness in relationships. Many people assume that because someone has multiple partners, they cannot truly value or dedicate themselves to any one person. This is far from the truth. ENM relationships often involve deep emotional investment, thoughtful planning, and clear agreements about responsibilities and expectations. Commitment in ENM is not about exclusivity, it is about honoring agreements, supporting partners’ well-being, and nurturing connections with integrity. In fact, many ENM relationships require more intentionality and communication than some monogamous ones as multiple needs and boundaries must be balanced simultaneously.
Communication tips for ENM relationships:
Be transparent
Set clear boundaries
Practice active listening
Check in regularly
Express needs directly
Use “I” statements
Manage jealousy constructively
Negotiate conflicts respectfully
Clarify agreements
Practice self-reflection
In ENM, commitment is expressed in ways that go beyond traditional societal definitions. Partners may demonstrate commitment through transparency, consistent communication, active emotional support, and co-creating shared life plans. For example, someone may be fully committed to their primary partner while also cultivating other meaningful connections without diminishing either relationship. The emphasis is on ethical responsibility and honoring the trust placed in each partnership. This kind of commitment is conscious, negotiated, and ongoing.
The misconception that ENM equals a lack of commitment can perpetuate stigma and discourage people from exploring relationship structures that might suit them. Recognizing that commitment is not synonymous with exclusivity allows for a more nuanced understanding of love and loyalty. ENM challenges the idea that devotion can only exist in a single-partner framework and highlights that deeply bonded relationships can thrive in multiple ways. Ultimately, commitment in ENM is defined not by limitation, but by care, respect, and responsibility toward one another.
Myth 4: Only Certain Personality Types Can Do ENM
A common misconception about ENM is that it only works for people with certain personality traits- often labeled as adventurous, highly extroverted, or emotionally unrestrained. This myth assumes that only those who are “naturally free-spirited” or seemingly immune to jealousy can successfully navigate ENM. In reality, ENM is not limited by personality type. People with a wide range of temperaments, including introverts, highly empathetic individuals, or even those who are naturally cautious, can thrive in ENM relationships when they approach them intentionally and ethically! Success in ENM depends more on communication, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence than on any innate personality trait.
ENM requires skills that can be learned and developed over time, such as boundary-setting, honest self-expression, and navigating complex emotions. Introverted or analytical individuals may even find ENM rewarding because it encourages deep reflection, careful negotiation, and intentional connection with multiple partners. Similarly, people who experience jealousy or insecurity are not automatically unsuited for ENM; rather, these emotions serve as opportunities for growth and self-understanding. What matters most is the willingness to engage in ongoing dialogue, cultivate trust, and commit to ethical practices, not a specific personality “type.”
Skills required for an ENM relationship:
Honest communication
Active listening
Emotional self-awareness
Jealousy management
Boundary-setting
Negotiation skills
Empathy and compassion
Time management
Conflict resolution (View our blog “5 Ways to Solve Common Relationship Problems”)
Flexibility and adaptability
Believing that ENM is reserved for a particular kind of person perpetuates exclusion and discourages curiosity about alternative relationship models. It reinforces the false idea that success in ENM is a matter of luck or natural disposition rather than conscious effort. By recognizing that ENM can work for anyone willing to invest in communication, honesty, and emotional growth, we open the door for more diverse and inclusive relationships. Ultimately, the myth that only certain personalities can succeed in ENM ignores the adaptability of human relationships and the variety of ways people can love in an ethical and meaningful manner.
Myth 5: ENM Partners Cannot Handle Emotional Depth
A common myth about ENM is that people who engage in it are incapable of experiencing deep emotional connections. Critics often assume that spreading love across multiple partners dilutes intimacy or prevents genuine attachment. In truth, ENM relationships can be profoundly emotional and deeply fulfilling. Many individuals in ENM cultivate strong bonds, share vulnerabilities, and provide extensive emotional support to multiple partners. Emotional depth is not determined by the number of relationships one has but by the willingness to communicate openly, empathize, and invest meaningfully in each connection. Read our blog “3 Steps to Becoming More Vulnerable.”
ENM often requires even greater emotional intelligence than traditional monogamous relationships. Partners must navigate complex feelings, manage multiple needs, and maintain transparency which fosters heightened self-awareness and interpersonal skills. The emotional labor involved; such as checking in regularly, addressing insecurities, and renegotiating boundaries; is significant, and when done ethically, it strengthens trust and intimacy. Far from being shallow, these relationships demand a nuanced understanding of oneself and others, challenging the misconception that multiple relationships automatically limit emotional richness.
Believing that ENM partners cannot handle emotional depth undermines the legitimacy and diversity of alternative relationship structures. Emotional connection in ENM is intentional and actively cultivated, proving that love, empathy, and vulnerability are not confined to monogamy. By recognizing the emotional capacities of ENM partners, we can appreciate that deep attachment, compassion, and meaningful intimacy are possible across a spectrum of ethical, consensual relationships. Ultimately, ENM demonstrates that the number of partners does not define the quality or intensity of emotional connection.
Myth 6: ENM Is Just a Phase or a Fad
A common misconception about ENM is that it is simply a passing trend or a phase that people will “grow out of.” Critics often assume that ENM is a temporary experiment, fueled by rebellion, or curiosity, rather than a legitimate relationship choice. While some individuals may explore ENM for a limited time, many others commit to it as a long-term lifestyle that aligns with their values and needs. Dismissing ENM as a fad ignores the intentionality, ethical framework, and emotional investment that define these relationships.
Values of an ENM relationship typically include:
Honesty
Consent
Respect
Transparency
Trust
Empathy
Responsibility
Mutual support
Flexibility
Intentionality
In reality, ENM has existed across cultures and throughout history, demonstrating that non-monogamous relationships are not a modern invention or fleeting trend. People engage in ENM for a variety of reasons; such as personal growth, fulfilling multiple relational needs, or prioritizing ethical connection; none of which are inherently temporary. Like any relationship model, ENM requires commitment, communication, and ongoing work to sustain, disproving the notion that it is inherently unserious or short-lived. The longevity and stability of many ENM partnerships challenge the stereotype that this relationship style is a passing phase.
Labeling ENM as a trend or experiment can be dismissive and stigmatizing, making it harder for people to explore alternative ways of connecting without fear of judgment. Recognizing ENM as a valid, intentional approach to relationships allows for more nuanced conversations about love, commitment, and human connection. By seeing ENM as a legitimate choice rather than a fleeting curiosity, we can better understand its complexities and support individuals in cultivating ethical, meaningful, and lasting relationships.
What Healthy ENM Relationships Really Look Like
Healthy ENM relationships are built on a foundation of trust, communication, and mutual respect. Partners prioritize transparency about their needs, desires, and boundaries, and actively work to maintain emotional intimacy across all connections. Rather than relying on secrecy or avoidance, individuals in successful ENM relationships approach challenges; like jealousy, scheduling conflicts, or changing needs; with honesty and empathy. Emotional labor, negotiation, and compromise are embraced as essential components, not burdens, and each partner takes responsibility for their own feelings and actions while supporting others in doing the same.
Working with a relationship therapist at Anchor Therapy can be an invaluable resource for individuals or couples navigating ENM. A trained therapist can provide tools for effective communication, conflict resolution, and boundary-setting while helping partners process complex emotions in a safe environment. Therapy also offers a structured space to examine underlying insecurities, patterns from past relationships, or societal conditioning that may impact ENM dynamics.
Ultimately, healthy ENM relationships demonstrate that love, commitment, and emotional depth are not limited to monogamy. By valuing honesty, consent, empathy, and intentionality, partners create relationships that are flexible, resilient, and deeply rewarding. Whether with the support of a therapist or through conscious practice of communication and self-awareness, ENM can offer meaningful connections that challenge conventional ideas of intimacy.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Community Engagement Director at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark and is currently studying Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level.
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