The truth is that working through an affair in a relationship is difficult. On both sides, it requires a great deal of vulnerability, energy, time, work, and commitment. Affair recovery is a process of healing your relationship on a mental, emotional, and physical level after infidelity occurs. Typically, the process of recovery after infidelity can take anywhere from six months to two years, but it is important to remember that each couple is unique. For some couples, it may take a little shorter or longer to fully recover.
The painful process of recovery after an affair requires compassion, strength, and humility. An affair does equate to intense emotional pain; however, that pain does not have to end a relationship. There are ways to rebuild your connection with your partner even after an affair if you are both willing and able to put in the work.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
What constitutes an affair?
Infidelity is not a one-time situation that is always easy to define. What is considered to be an affair varies amongst couples. For instance, do you consider an emotional connection without sex to be considered infidelity? What about an online, purely virtual relationship? Each person and couple needs to define what they view to be an affair.
An affair can be anywhere from an emotional affair all the way up to a sexual affair.
Defining an emotional affair versus a sexual affair
An emotional affair is when you or your partner develops an inappropriately close emotional attachment with someone other than your partner or spouse. You may begin to view this new person as your best friend or soulmate. You share everything with this person, and begin the journey of falling in love with them.
With an emotional affair, it is typically a matter of time before it turns sexual unless the connection is stopped in its tracks.
Generally, emotional affairs are more difficult to recover from in comparison to a one-night stand sexual affair for instance because of the attachment aspect of the connection. With an emotional affair, there is a strong attachment that has formed which can be a difficult thing to break, especially if there are aspects of passion and spontaneity that come with new connections and affairs. On the other hand, a one night stand has little to no attachment so it is easier to break. If you are interested in learning more about attachment styles, check out our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”.
Regardless of the type of affair, all forms of infidelity are highly traumatic. One of the biggest occurrences that can test a relationship’s foundation and security is an affair. The betrayed partner typically develops symptoms that are similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, also known as PTSD. This is due to the massive pain you feel in your relationship and the loss of control. Symptoms vary from person-to-person, but it is important to be informed so you can heal properly.
The connection between infidelity and PTSD
After an affair, the hurt partner that was cheated on often suffers from PTSD.
Here are some symptoms of PTSD that you or your partner may showcase after an affair:
Intrusive visualizations or recollections - This may come in the form of “deja vu” events, days, or locations which can trigger flashbacks of certain reminders of the affair. For instance, let us say that your partner told you about their affair while you were out at a restaurant. The next time you go to that restaurant, you may be flooded with triggered memories and related emotions that cause flooding, also known as stress, and panic attacks. If you struggle with managing panic attacks, check out our blog “How To Manage A Panic Attack.”
Differing moods, irritability, and outbursts - The hurt partner is going to understandably struggle with feelings of acceptance and betrayal. Because of this, there are periods of emotional numbing that may be followed by verbal and emotional explosions or arguments.
Intense emotions, such as anger, hurt, shame, grief, and frustration - The hurt partner experiences ambivalent fears of anger, guilt, and so on. The hurt partner may begin to question everything about themselves, triggering self-gaslighting. If you struggle with this, read our blog “How You Are Gaslighting Yourself.” These intense emotions can overwhelm your partner so empathetic listening is key.
Hyper-vigilance - The hurt partner may become extra aware of mundane things, such as a message notification, errand run, delays in responses, and more. Your partner may make nearly-impossible demands to try to gain some sense of control over the relationship. To combat this, offer reassurance and compassion.
Avoidance, detachment, and seclusion - When overwhelming feelings are challenging, it can feel like isolation is the only way to remedy the situation. The betrayed partner may want distance while the betraying partner views this as a time to stay away. In turn, this can enhance the feelings of rejection in the hurt partner during a time when they need emotional support.
Loss of focus and interest - Symptoms of demotivation, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, lack of energy, hard time falling or staying asleep, no appetite, and generally low feelings can persist which parallels depression.
Feelings of hopelessness about the future - When you are cheated on, the world you know around you may feel like it is collapsing. Due to this, you may feel hopeless and helpless about your relationship’s future.
If the above symptoms persist, the chances are that the hurt partner is suffering with PTSD.
Not all partners who were cheated on will develop PTSD, many will experience grief and depression. Hurt partners can become obsessed with details of the affair, and feel powerless over their own emotions. These reactions are normal, and you can benefit from the help of a PTSD therapist.
How can a trauma therapist help me when I have been cheated on?
A therapist for trauma can help the betrayed person understand and process their emotions relating to the affair. PTSD can occur in a committed relationship once trust has been broken on an extreme level, such as an emotional or sexual affair.
Trauma can be caused by many things, perhaps instances of childhood trauma, early abandonment, and/or military combat. In trauma therapy, you will get to the root cause of your trauma.
In therapy for trauma near you, you will learn how to recognize signs and symptoms of trauma and PTSD, and the impact it has on your relationship. It will give you a new perspective on yourself and your relationship so you can make the clear-headed choice of doing what is best for you - remaining with your partner or choosing to leave the relationship.
Why do affairs happen?
Infidelity can happen in any relationship, even connections that are seemingly happy.
Infidelity has many factors due to its complex nature, and some causes of an affair may include:
Low self-esteem (Read “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” for more information)
Weak commitment to the relationship
Lack of affection
Loss of love and care for your partner
Physical health issues (e.g., chronic illness, disability, etc.)
Loss of communication expressing emotional and relationship needs
Mental health issues, like anxiety and depression
Addiction (e.g., alcohol, sex, drugs, and so on)
Issues that are not addressed in a connection (e.g., tendency to avoid conflict, fear of intimacy, etc.)
Major life transitions (Such as welcoming a baby - if this is similar to your situation, read our past blog “Building A Stronger Relationship With Your Partner Post-Baby.”)
Stressful periods, such as a long-distance relationship
“I just found out about my partner’s affair. I do not know how to feel or react.”
If you just found out that your partner has been unfaithful to you, first take a minute to stop and breathe. With so many emotions flooding your mind, it can be hard to think clearly. When an affair is revealed, powerful emotions come to light for both partners. For the partner who had the affair, they might be fearful that they will never be forgiven. For the person who was cheated on, they might feel traumatized by the betrayal of trust and loss of a sense of emotional safety. When an affair is first discovered, it may not be the best action to make long-term decisions straight away.
Try taking the following steps when you first discover your partner’s affair…
Do not make rash decisions
At the moment, this can be difficult to do. You may hear about your partner’s affair and, in an instantaneous response, you respond that you are breaking up right away. While this may or may not be the right move for you as a couple, it is important to remember that you still need time to process your emotions.
2. Give each other space
The discovery of infidelity is intense. In an effort to try to understand what has happened, you may find yourself acting in ways that you normally would not act. Give yourself and your partner permission to be away from each other, and focus on yourselves. Before you begin the healing process, avoid having conversations that can be emotionally charged.
3. Take your time
There is no timeline that you must follow to try to recover your relationship. Even if you have a deep and burning desire to understand what has happened, do not go into the intimate details of the affair right away. If you do this, especially without the assistance of a couples therapist, it can be potentially damaging to your relationship.
How to heal directly after infidelity
Finding out that your spouse or partner has had an affair in your connection is one of the most difficult and traumatic things that an adult and couple can go through. Finding out that you were cheated on is one of life’s biggest hurts. Cheating happens more often than you may think in relationships, but recovery is possible.
Here are the initial stages of healing after an affair:
The very first step in the process of healing from an affair is for the deceiver to end the affair in question. If you have even the slightest hope of regaining commitment in your relationship and mending the rift between you and your partner, the affair has to be ended in its entirety. The deceiver should stop all communication with the person that they cheated with so they can focus their time and energy onto your relationship and recovery.
The next step in the recovery process is to take a deep dive into your relationship and figure out why the deceiver cheated in the first place. Was there an underlying cause? Perhaps your partner struggles with a low level of self-confidence and needs to seek reassurance from external people and sources? Were you unhappy in your relationship? If so, what made you unhappy? Is there something you can fix together as a couple? This period of discovery can also help prevent affairs in the future.
If you are struggling with healing after an affair, read our blog “4 Ways to Recover A Relationship After Infidelity.”
How can a couples therapist help us through this difficult time?
When an affair is revealed, it is equally as important to seek individual adult counseling as it is to seek couples therapy. Truth is an obvious issue after an affair, and the only way to work on this is to do it together as a team. If both partners want to rebuild their relationship, or are at least open to trying to rebuild, then working with a couples counselor is a great next step.
What can couples counseling for infidelity offer to my partner and I?
Couples therapy for infidelity has many benefits. In the early stages of discovering an affair, it is important to remember the harsh truth that not all details of the affair are revealed at first. It is very rare that the whole story will be told right off the bat. For example, the cheater may begin to feel protective over their partner and not want to hurt them anymore by divulging explicit details.
This is a normal part of the healing process. The story of an affair typically emerges slowly even if the betrayed party wants all of the details straight away. The hurt partner may view this as another act of intentional deceit. A couples therapist can help you carefully work through the webs of self-protection to make meaningful breakthroughs.
Another benefit of couples counseling is that it gives you and your partner a new perspective, including opening your eyes to dynamics or habits that no longer serve you both. For example, couples therapy can help you recognize that your issues in your relationship may not have caused the affair, but they also are not going to help your connection. To move forward, you and your partner must work to create a fresh environment where you can recommit to one another.
Lastly, a couples therapist specializing in infidelity can help provide structure to the communication between you and your partner. Between PTSD symptoms and violations of safety, it can be hard to move forward and have the difficult conversations needed to heal a connection. It is a process that does not happen quickly enough for the cheater and slow enough for the person who was betrayed.
Some couples may decide to only discuss the affair in their couples therapist’s office. For others, they simply cannot wait. Therefore, a couples counselor may suggest a time limit for discussing the affair. Each partner would need to agree to this. This structure is provided to give both people an equal amount of power, and prevent emotional explosions from occurring.
The affair will be on both of your minds, but it is important to not let it control or steer you both.
At Anchor Therapy, we have couples counselors who can help you and your partner rebuild your relationship after infidelity. The road to recovery after an affair is difficult, but at least there is a path! Reach out to us today to work with a fully-licensed couples therapists who specializes in infidelity.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Office Manager at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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