The transition from a couple to a family of three (or even more!) can be one of the biggest changes you will face in your relationship. It is exciting, invigorating, and generally glorious. It can also be tiresome, worrisome, and aggravating. The combination of these emotions can be threatening to the romantic relationship that gave you a child in the first place.
While raising a child can be a difficult experience at times, many couples find that they grow stronger after expanding their family, connecting in ways they have never experienced before. You may have a new level of respect for your partner after the birth of your child and share experiences together as a family that bring you that much closer together.
On the other hand, if you are experiencing relationship problems after the welcoming of your child, you are not alone. Many couples experience bumps in the road as they navigate their new world. It is best to deal with issues as they occur instead of burying them.
Maintaining a marriage after a baby takes time and energy. As a new parent, time and energy may be the last things you want to give. However, actively choosing to put the work into your relationship is beneficial in the long-run. Instead of growing resentful of each other, you and your partner can learn to enjoy spending each moment with one another.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, and life transitions. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and telehealth (video/phone) sessions to residents of New Jersey and New York.
Is it normal for my relationship to change after having a baby?
Absolutely! The birth of a child is a major milestone in any relationship and, due to its gravity, things must change since your priorities have now changed! You and your partner may have experienced built-up anticipation before you finally welcomed your baby in the world which made the birth even more exciting.
Some people experience a decrease in relationship satisfaction after the birth of their first child, but this does not have to be the case for you and your partner! The experience of having a child is unique. Having a child changes a person’s identity and creates a new dimension to the various roles they have as a person, partner, and parent. In adopting this new role, there will be challenges. You may anticipate some, but other conflicts may be unexpected and come as a total surprise to both you and your partner.
Parenting can increase conflict because there are so many decisions to be made on a daily basis that need to be mutual and often involve compromise and negotiation. You and your partner are both highly emotionally invested in your baby while trying to balance work, family, friends, social obligations, and more with little to no sleep. It is understandable how things can go south with so many factors at play.
This should be a joyous time in our lives. Why is there so much conflict?
Let’s be truthful - parenting is hard. When you become a parent, you face a whole new world of problems. Instead of looking at a problem that arises like it is you versus your partner, try to look at it like it is you both versus the problem. Dealing with the issues only becomes easier when you approach it as a team.
Communication is crucial for your relationship’s success. It is important not to make assumptions about each other and what you will each contribute to parenthood or the household at large. Having an open dialogue regarding the division of responsibilities can help ease friction, getting ahead of the ball. This can even bring you and your partner closer together since you are encouraging collaboration and reinforcing both of your needs.
What are some common relationship issues that arise after welcoming a child?
The reality of your situation may not match with the image you conjured in your head of parenthood with your loved one. By identifying some common strains that occur in relationships after having a baby, you can get your relationship back on track.
Couple Time Is Now Family Time
You are always together, but it is never just you two. Whether you have been together for years or decided to have a baby more quickly, adding an additional member to your dynamic can be challenging.
When you are dating or married, you have a joint life, but it is still generally easy to maintain your independent social lives. For instance, you can go out together in groups, but you also feel comfortable going out with your own friends for a night out on the town.
Fixing this relationship issue comes in two parts. First, you both need to make an effort to schedule time with one another. While date nights are important, it can also be helpful to plan quick “meetings.” These meetings can give you an opportunity to bring each other up-to-date with household and childcare issues. This can range from discussing an upcoming trip or a new crib you want to purchase.
By taking time to schedule these “meetings”, you allow yourselves to be fully present with one another at your date nights. This way, your fun dinner date will not be consumed with talk of your baby or household chores. Instead, you can talk about how your day was, silly neighborhood gossip, and whatever else interests you!
The second main component of couple time is, ironically, scheduling time for yourself. As a new parent, it is easy to be filled with guilt the second you leave your baby, but try not to demonize time away from your family. When you spend time alone, you return feeling fresh and energized. It also gives your child a chance to foster their independence which can be good for their overall development.
2. You Have No “Me Time”
Caring for a newborn is a full-time job. You may find that your only free time is a quick run to the supermarket to get the essentials. This routine can make doing something for yourself feel like a crazy indulgence. However, denying you or your partner any sort of rest and relaxation is a recipe for burnout and resentment.
Try to pick one activity that brings you joy, and make it happen. It may be getting a manicure or trying out a yoga class at a new studio that just opened up in your neighborhood. Pick an activity, and voice it to your partner. Make sure that your partner knows this is something that you need and schedule it into your calendar.
When scheduling, it can also be a good opportunity to see if your partner has any interests that they want to take part in outside of the household. This way, you are each getting the alone time that you need and deserve.
Scheduling free time is a form of self-care, but it can understandably feel burdensome, especially in the early months of parenthood. It is not uncommon to feel like you are treading water in the beginning. Try not to overwhelm yourself by planning to do a 5-mile run the second you get some free time. Take it easy and be gentle with yourself. If you are interested in learning more about practicing self-care as a parent, read “Your Guide to Self-Care as a Parent.”
3. Money Plays A Big Role In Your Relationship
There is no doubt that money is a huge stressor for many couples, especially parents. If you begin to stress about you and/or your partner’s income, it can be a slippery slope. Oftentimes, new parents are looking to or have purchased a new home which adds to the financial worries. You clearly would not take your monetary frustrations out on your baby, so you turn to your partner instead to lash out on them.
Take a step back and talk to your partner frankly, outlining your goals for your family. You may be in a situation where one person wants to stay home and be a caregiver, but is not sure if their partner’s finances will cover the necessities and allow your family to live comfortably. If you want to test this out, try living on one partner’s salary for a few months while the both of you are still working. This gives you a taste of what life would be like in a one-income household, but still provides a safety net since you both have jobs. Even with two incomes, it is normal for couples to question their finances after welcoming a baby.
Always remember that there are solutions to financial problems. You can learn to make some money-saving swaps, like making coffee at home in the morning instead of buying a latte at the cafe or cooking more meals at home instead of getting takeout every night. Be truthful about your finances and ask yourselves the hard-hitting questions, such as an expensive new stroller or a weekend getaway? Whatever decisions you and your partner make, make them together as a team.
4. Domestic Duties Increase Which Causes More Arguments
Before the baby, there was still laundry, dishes, and other household tasks, but now it may seem like everything is much more time-sensitive. The baby needs a bottle as soon as possible or he will keep crying. The laundry needs to get done so my wife can wear that blouse to work tomorrow. The pot needs to get cleaned so I can make dinner. The list goes on and on, and you cannot procrastinate chores like you used to in your pre-baby life.
This can also make you feel like you are doing more household tasks and that your partner is not doing their fair share. It is easy to start keeping score- I did the dishes so he should do the laundry. Although things are getting accomplished under this tit-for-tat system, it may not be joyful. The constant nagging can lead to resentment that compounds over time.
If you feel like you are constantly doing everything, talk to your partner. Instead of storming around the house and cleaning in a frenzy, ask your partner for help. They cannot read your mind so they do not know what you are exactly requesting from them. One way to decrease the tension is to make a list of daily chores for the week and outline who does what. This way each person knows what they have to do and there is no argument.
After the tasks get completed, thank your partner for their contributions. Initially, this may not seem fair to you, especially if you are the one doing most of the household work, but it will make your partner more receptive to future requests. It can also create a less hostile home environment.
How can my partner and I build a stronger relationship post-baby?
Split The Responsibilities
Having a baby is an enormous period of change in you and your partner’s life. Struggling with the addition of a new member to your family is normal, particularly when you are responsible for everything. When you and your partner make an active plan to split the responsibilities, it is likely that you will feel happier as a result.
How the division of labor is determined is unique for each couple, but employing the tip mentioned before of outlining a daily to-do list can be helpful. For the first months of parenthood, do not rush you or your partner to complete chores. During this time, many new parents want to be laser-focused on their new baby. Pushing off sweeping the floors can be worth it for those extra few minutes of precious sleep.
2. Protect High-Risk Areas Of Your Lives
If something is important to you, you should be able to communicate it to your partner. From finances to intimacy issues, everything should be laid out on the table. However, you may find some subjects harder to talk about than others, like mental health.
It is not uncommon for women to deal with baby blues or postpartum depression after giving birth, but you may feel like it is difficult to talk about out of fear of sounding weak or like an unfit parent. If you are feeling off, but cannot pinpoint exactly what it is, check out our blog “The Difference Between Baby Blues and Postpartum Depression.”
Postpartum depression therapy offers you a safe space to talk about your true feelings surrounding parenthood. Your postpartum therapist understands that you are grateful for your baby, but that does not mean that everything is smooth sailing. It is a judgment-free zone.
Treatment for postpartum depression can look different for each person depending on what your symptoms are, but a primary component of postpartum therapy is listening. Your postpartum counselor is all ears as you confide in them. In return, your postpartum therapist can help you develop coping skills to manage stress, improve your communication skills, and encourage self-care.
3. Commit To “We”
Although you and your partner were involved before having a baby, “we” takes on a whole new meaning once you welcome a child. It can be easy to throw around divisive words, particularly during times of tension, but words carry weight. Instead of saying “Go take care of your child” when the baby starts crying, ask your partner for help.
Playing the blame game is never the answer. It was a team effort to create your child and it is going to be a team effort to raise your child. When you are in the midst of a tough parenting situation with your partner, you may think that the grass looks greener on the other side. Instead of hopping the fence, water your lawn.
This is easier said than done and, sometimes, it requires external assistance. Couples counseling can be a resourceful tool. Your couples therapist can help you and your partner get back on track.
A relationship counselor can shed some light on the emotions you and your partner have been feeling now that you are parents. Couples therapy will also provide you both with effective conflict resolution techniques which will improve communication. Relationship counseling can also help with other factors, like reigniting your romantic and sexual connection.
There are also family therapists who are trained in dealing with family dynamics. Maybe it is your in-laws who do not respect your boundaries or close siblings who invite themselves over. A family counselor can help you navigate these tricky waters.
You are not alone if you feel overwhelmed with the idea of protecting your marriage while raising a newborn. Even during hard times, remember that your partnership has the potential to be even stronger than it was before welcoming a child. When you invest in your relationship in the earlier years, you plant the seed for long-term success.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark, planning to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
