Relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder, also referred to as R-OCD, is a subtype of OCD. It is characterized by ongoing intrusive thoughts and uncontrollable behavior regarding the unpredictability of a relationship. If you have R-OCD, it is likely that you experience recurring doubts about one or more relationships in your life, even if there is evidence present or not that supports those thoughts.
Many people with R-OCD feel like, no matter what they do, they cannot get rid of their doubting thoughts. You may worry that you are stuck in the wrong relationship. Or maybe you find yourself questioning everything about your partner. Soon enough, your unrelenting obsessions and compulsions about your relationship can take over and cause you to self-sabotage. If you want to learn how to manage your R-OCD effectively, keep reading!
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What exactly is relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder?
Relationship OCD is a subset of OCD where sufferers are constantly preoccupied by doubts about their relationship.
If you have R-OCD, you may question the following aspects of your relationship:
Your love for your partner
Your attraction for your partner
Your compatibility with your partner
Your partner’s love for you
Having doubts about your relationship is normal. Everyone experiences this, and this thought alone should not be cause for concern. However, for people with relationship OCD, these thoughts can be so unfounded and extreme that they negatively impact day-to-day life.
As with general OCD, R-OCD features unwanted repeated thoughts, also known as obsessions, and uncontrollable routines or repeated behaviors, also referred to as compulsions, related to one’s thoughts.
For example, let us take someone who has germ-focused OCD and a deep-seated fear of getting sick. This person may have to wash their hands 15 times a day to prevent the spreading of germs. These thoughts and the behavior of repeated hand-washing can interfere with this person’s quality of life.
Some common relationship OCD obsessions include:
Fear that you are not good enough for your partner
Constantly second guessing your love for your partner
Constantly wondering if your partner is the right person for you
Some common relationship OCD compulsions include:
Research - For instance, you may be constantly reading articles to learn about what a “healthy” or “successful” relationship may look like
Endless reflection - While it is good to reflect on your relationship, endless reflection will leave you in a never-ending loop where you are always questioning and thinking about your partner’s qualities and your overall compatibility
Always looking for love - You may have an idea in your head of what the “perfect” love looks like and this can actually prevent you from experiencing it
Obsessive questioning - You become obsessed with very small details about your partner which leaves you questioning everything about your relationship
Comparisons - Speaking to friends about your relationship and comparing your situation to their romantic partnership
Looking for passion - Passion is a normal part of a relationship; however, it is heightened during the beginning of a romantic connection. As the relationship progresses, you may become upset during moments of sexual intimacy if the passion you want is not present
Creating guidelines for your partner - You may create rules for your partner and, when they do not follow them, you rethink the relationship and think that the connection is not worth it
Common relationship misconceptions regarding R-OCD
Oftentimes, R-OCD may be triggered by unrealistic expectations you have surrounding relationships.
Some common relationship misconceptions are…
Believing that your relationship should feel passionate 100% of the time
Once you found your partner, you cannot find anyone else attractive
Getting too caught up in the idea of finding “the one” or your “perfect soulmate”
You may think that your doubting thoughts indicate flaws in your relationship; however, if you have R-OCD, that may not be the case. When you think that there are a lot of weaknesses in your relationship, this can fuel your anxiety and lead you to engage in various compulsions so you can feel secure in your connection. A common example of this may be asking your partner for continuous reassurance that they love you.
If you do not control your obsessions and compulsions, they can take over which will lead you to engage in self-sabotaging behavior. If this is something you struggle with, read our blog “How to Stop Self-Sabotaging for Good.”
R-OCD is time-consuming. It can drain you of your energy which, ultimately, leads you to feel disconnected from other people, even your partner. You may falsely believe that your thoughts will not stop until you magically find reassurance either internally or externally to dismiss your relationship concerns in its entirety.
What does relationship OCD feel like?
When you live with R-OCD, your life and relationships can be impacted in significant ways.
If you have relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder, you may experience:
Low self-esteem (Read our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” for more information)
Attachment insecurities (If you’re interested in learning more, check out our blog “How Do the Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”)
Less satisfaction in relationships
Difficulties with sexual functioning
High levels of perfectionism
Additional symptoms of OCD
If you have relationship OCD, you may feel like your partner is right for you on some level, but you are never completely confident in that. Understandably, this can cause a lot of anxiety, and make you go to lengths to make sure your partner is really the one for you.
This can lead to conflict in the relationship since your partner may feel like, no matter how hard they try, they cannot do anything right. You know that your thoughts do not match your reality but you have a hard time managing your feelings and acting on those thoughts. With R-OCD, it is easy to feel like you are at the mercy of your brain and have no control over your thoughts.
What causes R-OCD?
While it is not exactly known what causes OCD or R-OCD, experts believe that it has to do with how different areas of our brain communicate with hormones and electrical signals.
That said, mental health experts have found that the following can play a role in the development of R-OCD…
Underlying OCD
Catastrophic thinking (e.g., always thinking about the worst case scenario)
Fears of abandonment
A strong sense of control for your thoughts and actions
If you have relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder, you may find that certain situations trigger your R-OCD.
Some potentially triggering situations for R-OCD can be:
Stressful events or life transitions (e.g., moving, starting a new job, and so on)
Being sexually intimate with your partner
Being with or without your partner in social situations
Being around people you consider attractive
In some cases, your partner’s presence may be enough to trigger R-OCD symptoms.
What are the symptoms and signs of relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD affects those in relationships so it is likely that you will not experience R-OCD outside of a relationship. With that being said, while R-OCD commonly impacts those in romantic relationships, it can also have an affect on parent-child dynamics and religious connections (e.g., connection to a higher power).
There are also certain life transitions as a couple that can trigger R-OCD, such as:
Getting engaged (Read “Is Premarital Counseling for Me?”)
Planning a wedding
Moving in with your partner (Check out “How to Know if it’s the Right Time to Move In with Your Partner”)
Having children (Read “Building a Stronger Relationship with your Partner Post-Baby” for guidance)
Relationship OCD symptoms include obsessive thoughts which can manifest in your behavior.
R-OCD symptoms include:
Repetitive thoughts
“Is my partner “the one” or is there a better match out there for me?”
“I think the guy in my kickboxing class is attractive. Does that mean that I am not loyal to my boyfriend?”
“I do not think about my girlfriend all the time. Does that mean that I truly love her?”
“I did not feel overwhelmed with love for my partner today. Does that mean that we are not a good match?”
Highlighting the flaws
R-OCD may result in an obsession with your partner’s appearance or personality. Even if the flaw is unimportant, you may have a hard time overlooking it.
For example, your partner may chew their food loudly which irks you. If you have R-OCD, you might be anxious that this is a sign that your partner is not the right fit for you.
Needing reassurance
You may always look for reassurance in your relationships so you feel confident that you are making the right choice.
You may ask friends and family if they think you and your partner are the right fit, or you may frequently ask your partner to say “I love you.”
Anxiety about your impulses
It is not uncommon to have an intrusive thought about leaving or cheating on your partner. However, with R-OCD, you may obsess over this urge even if you don't really want to act on the thought. This can lead you to doubting your own level of commitment in the relationship. If you struggle with intrusive thoughts, read our blog “How to Manage OCD Intrusive Thoughts with CBT.”
Comparing your partner to others
You may compare your partner’s qualities to that of another person’s. Perhaps it is an ex-partner or a best friend’s partner.
You may feel relieved when your partner has more positive qualities, or anxious and disappointed if your partner has more negative qualities.
Trouble with sex
R-OCD can make it hard to enjoy sex with your partner. Your obsessive thoughts can take you away from sexual intimacy which prevents you from being fully present
What are the two types of R-OCD?
It was not until recently that relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder has become a popular topic of discussion. Researchers are now focusing on the link between relationships and OCD.
The most common type of R-OCD is the occurrence of intrusive thoughts and obsessions regarding intimate relationships between romantic partners. However, it is also known that R-OCD can occur in other types of relationships as well.
Some research suggests that there are two primary types of relationship OCD.
Relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder can typically fall under two categories:
Relationship-centered - If you lean towards this category of R-OCD, then you may consistently question if your partner is the right match for you or how strong your feelings are towards your partner. It is likely that you spend a large amount of time and energy analyzing the future of your relationship.
Partner-focused - If you are more partner-focused when it comes to your relationship OCD, you are more fixated on your partner’s perceived imperfections which encompasses areas like their intelligence, appearance, morality, and social skills.
Often, but not in all cases, someone who has R-OCD may have undiagnosed OCD which surfaces for the first time when they are in a relationship. Luckily, there are therapeutic treatments that can help you.
How can therapy for R-OCD help me?
The truth is that having R-OCD can feel overwhelming. But, learning as much as you can about relationship OCD can help you cope with the symptoms.
Some effective therapeutic treatments for relationship OCD are:
CBT Therapy for OCD
In this form of OCD treatment, CBT teaches you how to identify, understand, and change negative thinking patterns and behaviors. Your CBT therapist for OCD will work with you on problem-solving skills during therapy sessions, and encourage you to practice them on your own as a “homework” assignment. As you continue to use these tools in your daily life, you will build healthy and positive lifestyle habits.
2. ERP Therapy for OCD
In ERP treatment for OCD, you repeatedly expose yourself to the source of your fear with the help of your OCD therapist. During this interaction, you will not act on any compulsion to neutralize or stop the fear. When you continuously face something that you’re afraid of, your brain will begin to realize how irrational your fears are.
CBT for OCD involves discovering techniques that work for you. Over time, this will change how you think and behave. Alternatively, ERP therapy for OCD focuses on slowly exposing yourself to situations that trigger obsessions while you resist the urge to conduct your compulsions. As you progress, your anxiety will subside and your R-OCD symptoms will lessen. To learn more about how OCD therapy can help you, read our previous blog “How Counseling Can Help You Break OCD Habits.”
If you are struggling with R-OCD, it can be helpful to talk about it with your partner so they understand your struggles. When you have an open and honest line of communication, you can ease their worries and carve out a safe space for you in the relationship.
When you are struggling with R-OCD, your thoughts can seem contradicting. In some cases, you may find it helpful and, other times, it interferes with your relationship and overall life. Instead of actively acknowledging your thoughts, try to gently push your attention back to the present moment. By working with a CBT therapist and/or ERP therapist for OCD, you can break free from your obsessions and compulsions. Remember - you are the only one who can choose to believe your thoughts!
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager, Intake Coordinator, and Office Manager at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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