Relationship anxiety can simply be defined as feelings of insecurity, worry, and doubt about your relationship, making you question your compatibility and future with your partner. Contrary to what you might believe, it is normal to have some level of anxiety about your relationship. You may question your significant other’s past partner or question if your long-term goals match up. But, if your relationship anxiety is beginning to cause severe issues for you, it is a sign that something is off.
Relationship anxiety can become an issue when it interferes with the growth of your relationship or even impacts other areas of your life, such as not being able to concentrate at the office. To help with this, read our blog “3 Ways to Achieve Work-Life Balance.”
When you are feeling insecure in your relationship, you may feel easily stressed. In other cases, you may have a hard time deciphering your emotions. This inability to process your feelings can have problematic results, like separation anxiety or even burnout for your relationship.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, Florida, North Carolina, and Utah.
Relationship Anxiety
You have been dating your boyfriend for a few months now, and it feels like the perfect relationship. Your conversations are great. You both enjoy the same activities. Communication is solid. “I love yous” have been exchanged which solidifies the love that the both of you are feeling, but it also makes the relationship a bit more serious. Things are getting taken to the next level. You feel like you are heading towards your happily ever after, but then the uncomfortable thoughts creep in…
”What does he see in me?”
“How long until I disappoint him and he figures out the real me?"
“When will he get bored of me?”
These questions linger and, sometimes, it seems like the intrusive thoughts will not stop coming. If you struggle with these intrusive thoughts, check out our blog “6 Ways To Handle Intrusive Thoughts.”
If you find yourself in this internal loop that questions your relationship, the chances are that you are dealing with relationship anxiety. The truth is that your romantic relationships are a big part of your life. It is understandable that you have some worries about a specific partner and perhaps taking the next step with them, like moving in together. But, when these thoughts cripple the growth of your connection, you know that things need to change.
Before we dive into changing your thought patterns surrounding your relationship, let us explore what causes relationship anxiety.
What triggers relationship anxiety?
When you deal with regular, budding thoughts of your relationship’s demise, you may be struggling with relationship anxiety.
While everyone’s experiences are different, there are a few common causes of relationship anxiety.
Poor Communication:
When you are dealing with anxiety surrounding your relationship, it is important to examine your intrusive, anxiety-ridden thoughts in the context of reality. Are they rooted in truth? In some cases, your relationship anxiety can be tied to poor communication occurring between you and your partner. Perhaps you both are not sharing your true feelings, discussing plans for the future, or the current state of your relationship. Failing to speak on important issues can cause an increase in your relationship anxiety.
Low Self-Esteem:
When you do not value yourself or you view yourself in a poor light, it can affect your quality of life, encompassing your romantic relationship. When you struggle with self-esteem, it can trigger you to question your connection and wonder if you are worthy of it. It may even cause you to believe that your partner is being unfaithful or generally put your relationship in jeopardy. Read “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” for more information.
Attachment Styles:
One of the more obvious causes of relationship anxiety may be your attachment style. An attachment style reflects your relationship with your caregiver as a child or teen, and transfers into your adult life. The four attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. To learn more about them, read our blog “How Do The Four Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships?”. An anxious attachment style may cause you to constantly question your connection, from the security of the relationship to the feelings your partner has for you. People with anxious attachment styles often question their worth and are always on guard, staring at the clock and waiting for the partner to lose interest in them. They are worried that their partner will leave them.
Negative Past Experiences
Imagine that you got stuck in an elevator. Even though you were not stuck for a long time, you did panic and claustrophobia creeped in. Now, every time you go to step on an elevator, you may feel a bit uneasy. Well, the same thing can happen with relationships. If you had an experience where your self-worth was called into question, this can not only trigger anxiety, but it can be a traumatic experience for you as well. You may fear that partnering with another person means repeating the same actions. You may live on edge, fearing stability in a connection. To overcome this, check out our blog “Everything You Need To Know About CBT for PTSD.”
What are some telltale signs of anxiety in my relationship?
The following are signs of anxiety in your relationship:
Looking to your partner for constant reassurance
Being controlling regarding your partner’s actions or conversations with other people
Being clingy or constantly wanting to be with your significant other
Wondering if your partner is faking their feelings for you
Aiming to please your significant other no matter what
Spending more time worrying about your relationship than enjoying it with your significant other
Over-analyzing simple words or actions from your partner
Always feeling like your partner is trying to end the relationship
In some cases, your relationship anxiety may manifest more directly. For example, you may intentionally try to ruin your relationship. You may lay out traps for your partner to fall into. Or, you may blow a small issue completely out of proportion. To combat this, read “How To Stop Self-Sabotaging For Good” for more information.
Additionally, you may try to ‘get ahead of the hurt’ by avoiding romantic relationships. This is reflective of the avoidant attachment style. This can cause you to remain at arm’s length from your partner, never fully letting them into your emotional state.
What impact does relationship anxiety have on my connection with my partner?
Before we explore the effects of relationship anxiety, it is important to reiterate that some of your worries about your relationship may be valid. For instance, let us say that you and your partner are discussing marriage, but you both have a very different idea about what your futures will look like. You have dreamed of having children and your partner has decided that they do not want to be a parent. This is a reasonable thing to be worried about.
It can be hard to figure out what is a reasonable concern versus a thought that is the product of your relationship anxiety. To help you decipher the two, you can talk to a licensed relationship therapist near you.
Taking stock of what is working in your relationship or what is not working is a healthy task to regularly engage in. Whether you have to tweak a communication style or plan a fun activity to do once a month, improvement is a good thing. But, it should not be a full-time job keeping tabs on your partner. You should not be monitoring them for changes in attitude, questioning if your relationship is coming to an end.
When you are constantly worried about the state of your relationship, it can negatively impact the love you feel towards your partner and cause a decline in intimacy. In some cases, persistent anxious feelings can cause what you may fear the most- the end of your relationship.
Luckily, there are steps you can take to improve the quality of your life, decrease anxious romantic thoughts, and build a better future with your partner.
How can I overcome relationship anxiety?
Pinpoint what is causing your anxiety to blossom
Figure out what is triggering your relationship anxiety. This can be a difficult process relocating past emotions and digging deep into your mental realm. Are you afraid of falling in love? Is your lack of self-love holding you back? Do you not feel confident in your body? Are you carrying shame from a past traumatic relationship?
It is not easy to ask yourself these questions and you may need the help of a licensed mental health counselor to increase your awareness and make these connections. You may even have a pattern of choosing unhealthy relationships because, deep down, you do not feel like you are worthy of a healthy union.
2. Work on fostering trust with a supportive group of people
It can be hard to make meaningful connections with people, especially if you had a negative experience in the past. But, it is important for maintaining healthy relationships. Make time for people who want the best for you, no strings attached. Trusting someone may not be an easy thing but, the more you practice it, the more naturally it will come to you.
3. Be truthful about your emotions
When your anxiety is heightened, the last thing you may want to do is express how you are feeling, but it is essential. When you do not communicate your feelings, it can hurt your relationship.
When you communicate in a healthy manner, it:
Strengthens your relationship
Removes the guesswork from your connection
Assists in avoiding misunderstandings
Builds confidence in your union
Lets your partner support you and vice versa
Increases the love that exists between you and your partner
Enhances your mood
People always say that good communication is key to a healthy relationship, but they do not always tell you why. Your relationship’s success hinges on good communication. Good communication can improve your mood and even lower your stress levels.
Healthy communication deepens your connection and lets you be supportive of your partner.
4. Use evidence-based coping techniques when you are feeling anxious
When you have anxiety, your symptoms go beyond the mental and emotional spheres, you may also experience physical symptoms.
Mental symptoms of anxiety encompass:
Feeling tense and unable to relax
Fearing the worst possible outcome
Feeling like the world is speeding up or slowing down
Worrying about having an anxiety attack or panic attack (If you struggle with this, read “How To Manage A Panic Attack”)
Feeling like you cannot stop worrying (e.g., something bad will happen if you stop worrying)
Low mood and/or depression (Read “4 Ways To Naturally Treat Depression” for more guidance)
Thinking a lot about previous bad occurrences
Wanting reassurance from other people
Fearing that you are losing touch with the real world
Physical symptoms of anxiety encompass:
Feeling light-headed or dizzy
Upset stomach or nausea
Fast or irregular heartbeat
Sleeping issues
Pins and needles
Headaches or body pains
Sweating or hot flashes
Fast breathing
Grinding your teeth
Changes in your sex drive
Whether you are experiencing mental or physical signs of anxiety, coping techniques can help.
Some effective, calming techniques are:
Body scanning
Meditating
Deep breathing
Yoga
Working out
Do not be afraid to think of new coping skills. Each person reacts differently to different coping skills so it is important to test new techniques.
Overall, relationship anxiety is more common than you may think. You are not alone. While your experiences are yours alone, you can find help by talking to an anxiety therapist who specializes in relationships. Your partner may also want to assist you through this process.
You can start the healing process by educating yourself on relationship anxiety. Try to understand your triggers and signs, and learn what coping skills work for you.
Communication is key to working on relationship anxiety as a couple. No matter how long you have been with your partner, anxiety can creep in; however, do not let that discourage you. You are in control of your emotions and can always take the steps necessary towards a healthy, fulfilling life.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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