When it comes to communicating as a couple, you may find that you or your partner’s defense mechanisms are getting in the way of healthy communication. This may lead to what feels like constant fighting and a fractured relationship. Defense mechanisms in a relationship can be really dangerous. This often looks like yelling, giving the silent treatment, eye rolling, making excuses, justifying behavior, or being sarcastic. These reactions will arise when you are in a conflict in your relationship and you begin to feel hurt, sad, or angry and your self-esteem is being threatened. These cycles can leave you feeling helpless; however, healthy communication is absolutely possible. By changing your subconscious cues, you can begin to break the cycle of fighting and create healthier communication.
The common saying, “It is not what you say, but how you say it” rings true in relationships. If you deliver a message in the wrong way, most likely your partner will not hear what you are trying to convey and it will lead to an argument. Even if we have the best intentions, this message will get lost in translation because of the delivery. This often happens because defense mechanisms kick in and muddy the way we communicate in our relationship.
Have you ever experienced….
when there is an argument and one person storms away, while the other is yelling? Both those reactions are unhealthy defense mechanisms triggered by feeling vulnerable. The purpose of the conversation gets lost and you both somehow end up fighting over the delivery. Most likely this is occurring because defense mechanisms kicked in. These defenses, if deployed frequently, leads to a divide in the relationship.
If defenses are so harmful, why do we do them?
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with psychotherapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, and life transitions. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing telehealth (video/phone) sessions to residents of New Jersey and New York.
Purpose of defense mechanisms:
In theory, defense mechanisms are a way to protect yourself from discomfort. They are a natural reaction that is deployed to shield from distress and cope with negative emotions. When used effectively, they can be helpful in managing anxiety or mitigating pain.
For example: You’re manager has criticized your work and you are feeling frustrated and upset. Instead of letting out those emotions at work and risking your job, you may take those feelings out at a kickboxing class at night.
This is called sublimation and it is a great example of your defense mechanisms working effectively by channeling your anger into an acceptable outlet.
However, as mentioned above, your defense mechanisms can backfire and create more problems than they solve. Defenses are deployed to keep you safe, but often they become unhealthy patterns in your life.
For example: You’re manager has criticized your work and you are feeling frustrated and upset. You can’t let those emotions out at work or you would jeopardize your job. You go home and you end up in an argument with your partner.
Change your defenses in couples counseling:
In my work as a couple’s counselor, I have been witness to the obstacles that arise when these defenses habitually kick in. The question is, how do you change these subconscious responses?
The first step is to better understand what is going on.
Then you will work as a couple to slowly shift your behavioral patterns.
By letting down your guard and better managing your defenses, you can decrease the intensity and frequency of fighting.
Putting your walls/guard down is never easy, but learning more about your own defenses is an excellent way to improve communication in your relationship.
Common defenses to watch out for in relationships:
Aggression: yelling, throwing objects, bossy, overbearing behaviors
Distancing: shutting down or withdrawing behaviors
Excuses: Justifying your actions- often “Yes, but” and “if only” statements
Depreciation: undervaluing someone’s effort, putting the other person down
Passive aggression: hiding important objects, indirectly expressing negative feelings, sarcasm, guilt-inducing phrases
Projection: misplacing your feelings onto your partner.
When you find yourself or your partner falling into these defense traps, you may feel helpless to change the cycle of fighting. You may even agree with your partner on the topic of conversation, but because these defense mechanisms were in play, you find that you both are arguing over nothing. You may be frustrated, feeling a strong desire to be heard. These defense mechanisms muddy communication in relationships and make it challenging to listen to the message and rather keeps the focus on the delivery.
Healthier defenses in relationships:
Humor: lightening the mood by making a joke
Preparation: thinking several steps ahead to avoid a problem
Sublimation: taking out negative emotions on healthier outlets such as exercise
When these defenses appear in your relationship, they may lead to less arguments but can still pose a problem. These defenses can feel less harmful, but still do not directly address the root of conflict.
The healthiest defense in a relationship:
Assertiveness: expressing your feelings in an open and honest way
Assertiveness in a relationship is the healthiest way to communicate with your partner. By being assertive, you are able to communicate your true emotions while respecting the feelings of your partner. It allows for constructive communication of your own feelings without judgement or blame of your partner.
Assertiveness includes:
Direct eye contact
A level tone
Appropriate timing
Language directly communicating your feelings
When, where and how you say something is often more important than what you are saying. Without an assertive delivery, the message you are trying to convey is often lost. The approach you take in delivering the message will make the difference in whether your message is heard or ends up in an argument.
Examples of the different types of communication couples have:
Example of unhealthy communication: Your partner forgot your anniversary. You do not mention it to them, and feel disappointed all day. You try to drop hints and get frustrated and irritated when your partner does not pick up on the clues. You end up lashing out at the end of the day because you are so angry that the day was ignored.
Example of assertive communication: Your partner forgot your anniversary. You approach them and calmly express feeling disappointed that your anniversary appeared to be forgotten. Instead of blaming them for forgetting, you focus on how you would love to celebrate and make the day special. You articulate your feelings, desire and a solution.
how Couples Counseling Could help you:
If you are tired of the cycle of fighting and bickering in your relationship, it may be time to take a deeper look at your communication patterns with your partner. Couples counseling can be a highly rewarding process that gives you and your partner the space to overcome these issues and develop new and effective ways to improve communication.
Working on making positive changes in your relationship will have long-lasting benefits and can make a big difference in how you connect to one another. It can be really challenging to make these changes on your own since they happen so subconsciously, but having a therapist there to guide you through the process can make all the difference. By taking the extra step to work on these behaviors with your partner, you will find a more fulfilling and rewarding relationship.
Elena Lucanie, LPC, LMHC
is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in Hoboken, New Jersey. She specializes in helping teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, substance abuse, relationship issues, and life transitions through counseling. Elena can help NJ and NY residents through telehealth (video/phone) therapy sessions as well.
