When a person you love dies, it is normal to go through a grieving phase where you feel deep sadness and your family and friends are there to comfort you. However, when you lose a pet, you may not experience the same type of support from your loved ones. In fact, your grief may go unnoticed or unacknowledged by the other people in your life.
The truth is that losing a pet is just as painful and devastating as the loss of a human being, but pet grief does not get talked about nearly as often. If you are a pet parent who recently lost their companion, please know that you are not alone and there are steps that you can take to heal.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Why does losing a pet hurt so much?
For many of us, we share an intense bond of love with our furry companions. A pet is not “just a dog”, “just a cat”, “just a bird” and so on. Instead, we often view them as members of our family who add joy, adventure, and companionship to our lives.
Pet ownership requires a great deal of responsibility and commitment but, with that, there are many benefits of said ownership.
Here are some ways in which having a pet can contribute to elevated mental health:
Companionship - When you have a pet, you experience unconditional love and companionship. The bond that you form with your pet can alleviate any feelings of loneliness you may be experiencing while offering you a sense of purpose.
Stress Reduction - Studies have shown that when you interact with a pet, such as petting them or playing with them, you experience reduced levels of stress. The physical act of interacting with a pet triggers oxytocin’s release. Oxytocin is a hormone related to bonding and stress easing.
Routine and Structure - When you get a pet, your life changes in a lot of ways. The term “pet parent” is no exaggeration! Pets thrive on routine and, when you introduce a pet to your life, you can fall into a routine where your daily life has structure. If you struggle with maintaining a consistent routine, this can be really helpful.
Physical Activity - Going hand-in-hand with routine and structure, pets require lots of physical activity which increases your physical activity in turn. Whether you are walking, running, or playing with your pet, you will find yourself moving constantly. When you exercise regularly, you will improve your mood and reduce your symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Social Interaction - When you walk your pet or take them to a local park for instance, you will naturally chat with other pet owners. You can view your pet as a social facilitator who helps you connect with other people and reduces your feelings of loneliness.
Mindfulness - When you play with your pet, you are forced to live in the moment. This sense of mindfulness and pure presence can take your mind away from worries about the past or future so you can relax in the present moment.
Sense of Purpose - When you care for a pet, you are given a sense of purpose. If you are going through a major life transition, this can be especially important.
Emotional Support - Pets are known for providing a sense of emotional support to their owners. Pets are incredibly smart and can actually notice changes in their owner’s mood. Through their presence and affection, a pet can uplift in more ways than you could have guessed!
Reduced Feelings of Isolation - If you live alone or feel particularly isolated, having a pet can make a great addition to your home and overall life. With a pet, you may feel a sense of companionship and lessened feelings of loneliness.
Unconditional Love - Pets are a great source of unconditional love. The adoration and acceptance that a pet offers can be a source of emotional support for you as well helping boost your self esteem. For more information on self-esteem, check out our blog “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?”.
With all of these mental health benefits of having a pet, you can see why it hurts so bad when you lose such an important member of your life. It is normal to be filled with grief and loss.
The pain of losing a pet can trigger really difficult emotions. Some people may not understand the depth of your grief, but that does not mean that you should feel ashamed or embarrassed for grieving the loss of your animal friend.
It is important to remember that we all respond to loss differently.
The level of grief you will experience depends on:
Your age
Your personality
The age of your pet
The surrounding circumstances in which you lost your pet
Check out our blog “How to Know When to Seek Grief Therapy & Learn All About the New Grief Diagnosis” for additional support.
The more significant the pet was to you, the more significant the loss will feel and the impact it will have on your life. For instance, if you have a service animal or therapy animal, you will experience two losses at the same time- the loss of a pet and the loss of a coworker. You will also experience a loss in your emotional support system. If you live alone and your pet is your only companion, the loss can be that much more difficult.
If you cannot afford certain methods that would have kept your pet alive longer, such as a costly veterinary treatment, you may even feel a great sense of guilt.
Unfortunately, experiencing loss is a part of your pet-owning journey that must occur at one point or another. But, that does not mean that you have to suffer on your own.
What should I do after experiencing the loss of a pet?
There is no exact blueprint on how to act once you lose your furry friend, but there are some steps you can take to carve out a healthy grieving journey.
While you are mourning the loss of your pet, think about the following:
Expand your connection through memories - Just because your pet is gone, does not mean that all of your good memories with them disappear as well. Your memories allow your pet to live on, continuing to impact your life. Embracing the memories, both happy and sad, can be a painful process at first so be gentle with yourself. You can celebrate their life by looking at photos of them or writing a tribute to your pet.
Search for meaning - As mentioned above, having a pet can add a lot of meaning to your life, from daily structure to an enhanced self-esteem. When a pet dies, you may question the purpose of having a pet in your life. During your grief journey, you will come to terms with a question like that. In the meantime, you can discover the beauty that comes with simply asking questions like that without being fixated on finding the concrete answers.
Change your self-identity - We have all heard the terms “dog mom”, “dog dad”, etc. and they ring very true. When you adopt a pet into your life, your identity shifts. A part of your identity may be rooted in being a pet parent. Even other people may think about you in relation to your pet. For example, maybe you are known on social media for running an account for your pet. Mourning entails adjusting to these necessary life changes.
Accept support from other people - When you are mourning, it is easy to shut the world out. You may want to self-isolate so you are not forced to live with your new reality; however, this is not conducive to good mental and emotional health. You never exactly “get over” grief so having a good social support system is important. Whether you have a go-to family member to discuss matters with or you seek the support of group therapy for grief, it will reduce isolation, validate your emotions, and help normalize the grieving process. If someone you know is experiencing loss and grief, our blog “How To Support Someone Who Is Grieving” is a must-read.
Move toward the pain - When you are experiencing grief, the last thing you may want to do is lean into your uncomfortable feelings; however, it is necessary to facilitate personal growth, healing, and development. A healthy grief journey consists of you working through your feelings instead of trying to sweep them under the rug.
Acknowledge death - Acknowledging the death of your pet and the impact it has on your day-to-day life may take some getting used to. You may be someone who recognizes the void right away or, on the other hand, it may take weeks or months for it to ‘click’ that your pet is not coming back. It took time to foster a connection with your pet and it is now going to take some time to get used to not having them around.
Grief does not get any easier as time goes on, but you get stronger.
How can I cope with losing a pet?
Grieving is an individualized experience. From your personality and resilience to your personal beliefs about grief, the manifestations of it can occur differently.
Some people may find that grief comes in stages. The five stages of grief are as follows:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Acceptance
The five stages of grief are not concrete and you may experience just one or more of the stages. Additionally, there is no guarantee that the stages of grief will occur in the exact order as presented above. The five stages of grief serve as a general overview of what grief entails but it is not an exact pathway in any way shape or form.
If you find that your grief is not occurring in stages, you may find that it comes more in waves. You experience high highs and you experience low lows. In the beginning, you may experience more lows which eventually get better and less intense and frequent over time. Even years after a loss, there may be a specific place or scent that brings you back into the depths of grief and sadness.
Overall, the grieving process is not an instantaneous one, instead it is gradual. You cannot force yourself to get over the loss of your pet and there is no normal amount of time it takes one to properly grieve. Some people may feel better in a matter of weeks or months whereas it takes the next person a few years. Allow the grieving process to occur naturally.
When you exhibit your feelings of sadness or shock, it does not mean that you are weak. Instead, it means that you are a normal being who is having a normal reaction to such loss. When you express your grief, you require less time to heal because you are not bottling up your emotions.
Here are some ways you can actively express your grief and loss:
Talking about your pet and the memories you shared with loved ones
Journaling your emotions and exploring your thoughts surrounding grief
Creating art or music about your pet or the love you two shared
Creating a personal ritual (e.g., lighting a candle, planting a tree, etc.)
Joining a grief support group or community
Engaging in prayer or meditation
Attending religious services if applicable
Volunteering
Helping other people in your community
Seeking the support of a grief therapist
Creating memorials
Celebrating anniversaries
Read our blog “Grief: How To Cope With Losing A Loved One” for some more tips.
How can a grief counselor help me with my pet grief?
Grief is universal, but that does not make it easy.
Some potential negative effects of grief can include:
Emotional distress
Cognitive impact
Physical symptoms (e.g., fatigue, sleep disturbances)
Social and interpersonal challenges
Increased risk of mental health issues
Complicated grief (Check out our blog “Am I Experiencing Complicated & Traumatic Grief?”)
A pet loss counselor can help alleviate the negative consequences of grief and loss.
A grief counselor can help you overcome grief through the following ways:
Validating your emotions
Normalizing your grief
Understanding of the close connection humans have to pets
Exploring your grief triggers
Addressing regret and guilt
Discovering healthy coping mechanisms
Crafting rituals and forms of memorialization
Helping you transition to your new normal
At Anchor Therapy, we have a team of highly-trained grief counselors who can become a valuable part of your healing journey. We offer in-person sessions in our downtown Hoboken, New Jersey office. We also offer virtual grief counseling to all residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida. For more information, check out “What to Expect in Grief Counseling.”
The experience of loss looks different for everyone. The only way to get over grief is to move towards and through it. While there may always be an inherent sadness due to the loss of your pet, working with a grief counselor can help you manage your uncomfortable feelings while building a path forward with you. Remember, grief reflects the long-lasting love you have for your furry companion.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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