When a loved one loses someone important in their life, it does not just disrupt their day-to-day activities, but it changes their life forever. When someone you love experiences the death of a loved one, especially a sudden and unexpected passing, it is difficult to know how to offer support and comfort. You may not know what to say and you may even be afraid to say the wrong thing.
This can particularly be the case if you have not experienced the loss of a person before. You may not know how to relate to the other person since you never experienced those emotions. The truth is that, even if you have experienced feelings of grief, it is still hard to know how to console a relative or friend who is grieving. Even if it seems like nothing you can say or do will help the situation, do not stop offering your support and condolences. Accept that you cannot fix the situation, and focus on the present.
Grief is a gradual process. All you can do is be there as a pillar of support for your friend or relative, and hold a positive attitude about the future. Something as small as sending flowers, delivering a meal, or helping out your loved one with household tasks can be an immense source of help.
No matter what, try to be flexible and open to your loved one’s method of grieving. Grieving looks different for everyone. For example, if a friend loses a person who they had a close relationship with, but you want to continue your weekend tradition of getting brunch, still extend the invitation to your friend. Be prepared for your friend to say “no” and be accepting of their choice, but simply offering them that sense of support and “normalcy” during a chaotic time can be helpful. If your friend declines the offer, that is okay. You can check in on them the next day.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, and couples with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, and Utah.
What is grief?
Grief can best be described as a strong and, at times, overwhelming emotion for people. This sadness can be triggered from a variety of things, such as the loss of a loved one or a terminal illness diagnosis.
If someone is struggling with grief, they may feel numb or like they are removed from their daily life. They may feel so consumed by sadness that they are unable to carry out simple daily tasks, like going to work, cleaning the house, showering, and so on.
Is grief normal?
Absolutely! Grief is a very common reaction to loss. Grief is a universal and personal experience at the same time. While everyone experiences grief at some time in their life, it is also highly personal since the severity of one’s grief is influenced by the nature of the loss. For instance, one person may grieve due to losing a job while another person’s grief is rooted in loss of independence due to mobility issues.
How long does the grieving period last?
Many people know about the famous five stages of grief, but there may be some confusion around the stages. The stages do not have to go in a particular order and, many times, it is common to skip some stages. In some cases, your loved one may move through the stages extremely quickly.
The five stages of grief are simply human nature. It is our way to process change and protect ourselves while we try to get used to a new reality. While the elements of each phase are unique, the grieving process is unique. In other words, it looks different for everyone.
When grief is coupled with stress (if you are in need of stress management, read our blog “Everything You Need to Know About Stress Management Therapy”) and trauma, it can be understandably overwhelming. Your loved one’s mental and physical health can take a toll. Due to the constant stress response their body is under, their nervous system reaction may feel threatened.
Stress can impact:
Adrenaline (Responsible for triggering the body’s fight-or-flight response)
Cortisol (Prevents functions that are nonessential and/or harmful in a fight-or-flight situation)
Sleep
Appetite
This makes it difficult for your loved one to perform their best each and every day.
Along with trauma, feelings of anxiety and depression may appear.
Some symptoms of grief can include:
Feeling disconnected from one’s self
Having nightmares or difficulty sleeping
Experiencing intrusive thoughts
If you are interested in helping your loved one get the support of an anxiety therapist at Anchor Therapy, read our blog: “How You Can Treat Your Anxiety Using CBT.” Similarly, you can connect with your loved one by reading our blog “15 Ways To Recognize Anxiety In Yourself And Others.”
If you are looking to support your loved one who is experiencing symptoms of depression, read our blog: “3 Ways To Support Someone With Depression.”
What are the five stages of grief?
When your loved one is aware of the grief stages, it can be easier to heal since they can recognize how they uniquely experience the stages. This allows them to approach their healing journey with compassion, patience, and understanding. By learning about these stages yourself, you can help educate and inform your loved one. Keep in mind that there is no correct order in following these 5 stages and some stages may not be experienced at all.
Denial
Denial can look like:
Saying “It is fine” even when it is not
Being easily distracted
Forgetting things
Avoiding people, situations, and settings
Engaging in mindless behaviors
Procrastinating your work and other tasks
Overbooking your schedule so you are busy at all times
Denial can feel like:
Shutting down
Shock
Numbness
Confusion
2. Anger
Anger can look like:
Sarcasm
Irritability
Being aggressive or passive-aggressive
Pessimism
Cynicism
Getting into verbal arguments or physical altercations
Anger can feel like:
Rage
You are acting “out of control”
Impatience
Frustration
Resentment
Embarrassment
3. Bargaining
Bargaining can look like:
Over-thinking
Worrying
Contemplating the past or future
Perfectionism
Comparing oneself to others
Thinking/saying “If only I…”, “I should have done this…”, etc.
Judgment towards oneself and other people
Always assuming the worst about the future
Bargaining can feel like:
Fear
Insecurity
Blame
Guilt
Shame
4. Depression
Depression can look like:
Reduced sleep
Less interest in social events and maintaining social connections
Appetite changes (eating significantly more or eating significantly less than before the grief began to occur)
Less motivation to complete tasks and work towards your goals
Crying
Increased alcohol or drug abuse
Depression can feel like:
Helplessness
Hopelessness
Disappointment
Overwhelmed
Sadness
Despair
If you are interested in seeing if you have depression, take our Depression Quiz!
5. Acceptance
Acceptance can look like:
Engaging with your current reality
Being present
Having mindful behaviors
Tolerating your emotions
Being vulnerable
Having assertive conversations
Using healthy coping skills
Responding skilfully to challenging situations
Acceptance can feel like:
Courageousness
Validation
Wisdom
Pride
Self-compassion
Generally speaking, if your loved one is not in the “acceptance stage”, then it is likely that they are fighting some aspects of reality. Your friend may be sleeping more than usual, or their anxiety may take over and lead them to fear certain places, people, or situations.
A common misunderstanding with acceptance is that this stage means that a person is no longer grappling with distress, emotions, or trauma. On the contrary, these feelings likely still exist but, now, your loved one is in a position where they know how to manage those emotions and move forward.
It is normal for your loved one to experience ups and downs in the mood, thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes.
Now that you know more about grief, let us explore some ways you can support your loved one through this extremely challenging time.
What are some effective measures of support?
Educate yourself on grief and the grieving process
By reading this blog, you have already accomplished the first step in helping your loved one feel like their best self again- you educated yourself. It is important to understand the basics of what your loved one is going through. While grief is a highly complicated subject matter, by simply knowing some of the signs of grief, you are in a better position to be a pillar of support for your friend or relative.
Try to avoid comparing your experience to your loved one’s experience
It is human nature to try to relate to other people. You may do it as a conversation starter or a way to show your loved one that they are not alone. While the intent may be good, it does not always come across that way.
In some cases, it may appear that you are trying to diminish your friend’s or relative’s experience by bringing the conversation back to you and your emotions. If you accidentally slip up and want to mention your experience, it could be helpful to make sure that the two situations are somewhat similar. For instance, losing a grandparent in their 90s due to old age is vastly different from someone suddenly losing a partner in their 30s due to a car crash.
Let your loved one cry
Giving your loved one the space to express and explore their deep sadness, especially to the point where they feel comfortable enough to cry in front of you, is an immense help. It can feel like a safe space for them while they are going through a challenging life transition.
Giving your friend or relative the space to cry shows that you understand that crying is an essential component of the grieving process. You may be tempted to cheer your friend up or tell them not to cry, but crying can be an important step in the healing process of grief. Oftentimes, when people feel discouraged from crying, they have witnessed other people become uncomfortable when they are exposed to that level of pain.
Offer practical help
A way you can show your love throughout the grieving process is by offering practical help. As previously mentioned, grief can cause someone to overlook their own priorities since the emotions can be all-encompassing. Offering practical assistance can be more helpful than you know since your friend or relative may be struggling to navigate everyday tasks of life.
Practical help can include things like:
Cleaning their house
Picking their children up from school
Helping with laundry
Washing the dishes
Cooking for them
Running errands
Be willing to sit in silence
Silence can be so uncomfortable to us because we tend to associate it with a sense of awkwardness. Many strong emotions accompany grief. At times, grief can simply look like sitting in silence to regain some peace. It can be hard to sit there and support your friend or relative, especially when you see them going through such deep emotional pain.
Resist the urge to fill the space with noise, and simply be present. By being there for your friend (no matter how uncomfortable it may seem in the moment), you are showing your love and support. Your silence can be more healing that you recognize.
Work with your friend or relative to find a grief therapist
Grief counseling can be extremely helpful if your loved one’s grief signs and symptoms persist for months on end. While there is no timeline to one’s grief, it is generally considered “serious enough” to seek the help of a grief counselor if one’s grief negatively impacts their daily life. At Anchor Therapy, we have a team of therapists who specialize in grief. You can reach out today, by filling out a contact form on our website.
Offer general comfort
Offering comfort is personal so it may look different for everyone. A good option to offer some support can be giving your loved one a meaningful gift. At times, sentimental gifts can do a good job at expressing your love when words fail.
Some good gift ideas include:
Journals - Your loved one can write down what they are feeling and experiencing. It can be a great option to guide them through a hard time.
Memory candles - This can be a nice way to make sure that they keep their loved one around.
Books - Particularly a book that discusses dealing with grief can be beneficial.
Gift boxes/baskets - This can include things you know your loved one enjoys, such as coffee, tea, and treats. You could also do themed baskets, like a self-care themed one, that includes face masks, a spa certificate, and so on.
When it comes to supporting a loved one who is grieving, the most important part is showing up. You can offer them concrete assistance, but respecting boundaries is essential. Phrases like “Let me know what I can help with” and “What can I do to help?” make a world of a difference.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark, planning to study Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the graduate level. As a Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy, Victoria is committed to producing content for and managing the office’s social media presence and blog.
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