Non-monogamy is a general term for any relationship outside of monogamy, including polyamory. Polyamory is a specific type of non-monogamy. Polyamory is when a person or partners have multiple romantic connections. The word “polyamory” actually has its roots in Greek and Latin meaning “many loves.”
Polyamorous relationships can include emotional connection as well as sexual activity. In polyamorous relationships, everyone is aware of the type of relationship they are in and mutual consent is given.
In recent years, polyamorous relationships have grown in popularity and even become more mainstream due to their presence in the media, such as seen on Dr. Orna Guralnik’s show Couples Therapy. For a breakdown on this hit television show, read our past blog “Dr. Orna Guralnik’s Couples Therapy Show: A Window Into Real Relationships.” While more people know about polyamorous relationships, there may be a lack of resources for those involved in these types of connections. At Anchor Therapy, we have couples counselors who specialize in polyamorous relationships.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What do polyamorous relationships look like?
Perhaps you are in a long-term relationship but you are seeking different sexual experiences. Maybe you and your partner share deep love for one another but you want to develop intimate connections with other people too. Or maybe you are already in an open relationship but you are having some communication issues and difficult emotions that you cannot seem to overcome. If any of these resonate with you, you may want to meet with a polyamorous couples therapist to discuss your anxiety, anger, insecurity, and jealousy.
Polyamorous relationships are not a one-size-fits-all and, if you are transitioning to an open relationship, it may take some trial-and-error to figure out what works best for you and your partner. If you are monogamous and contemplating a polyamorous connection, the mere idea of polyamory may seem confusing to you.
For instance, a major misconception of non-monogamous relationships is that it is the same as cheating which is not true at all. In a polyamorous connection, there are guidelines and rules surrounding the primary partners’ relationships to other people. An example of a ‘rule’ may look like communicating to your primary partner when you intend to meet with another person and being open about your sexual activities.
This is where the term ‘ethical non-monogamy’ usually comes into play. This means that all parties involved are aligned with the values of polyamory and consent to the relationship’s terms. In a polyamorous connection, each party can openly state their boundaries and everyone understands that their partner can see other people. Ideally, there is no secrecy amongst partners.
Polyamory can take different forms. For some couples, it can be as simple as agreeing to see other people outside of their relationship. The basic premise of polyamory is that not just one person can fulfill all of your needs. You can experience different forms of love from different people, and it is okay to want that for yourself.
The Terms of Polyamory
If you are new to the world of polyamory, it can be overwhelming. You can try to think of it as having so much love to share that you want to share it with more than one person. One of the major hardships of polyamory is ensuring that all parties are safe and on the same page to ensure everyone’s needs are being met.
Polyamory has many terms to help people understand this type of connection and to make sure you feel comfortable in a polyamorous relationship.
Here are some examples of common polyamorous terms:
Solo polyamory:
This refers to someone who is polyamorous but lives a completely independent lifestyle. For instance, you do not live with a partner, share finances with a significant other, or celebrate other traditional relationship landmarks. With all of this said, the idea of a committed relationship is still appealing.
Hierarchical polyamory:
In this type of connection, some partners take precedence over other partners. So, there is a primary partner (perhaps you live with this person and have children together) and then there are secondary or tertiary partners.
Polycule:
You have several polyamorous connections that are all intertwined.
Kitchen table polyamory:
This is a style of polyamory where there is an interrelationship of a network. Multiple romantic relationships are integrated into one life or group.
Parallel polyamory:
This is a relationship where you are aware of your partner’s other partners but you have little to no contact with those people, and vice versa.
All of these representations of a polyamorous relationship can look and feel different to each connection. The most important part of a polyamorous connection is that all parties are comfortable, which is rooted in open and honest communication where respect is at the forefront.
What are common problems in an open relationship?
Polyamorous relationships have their fair share of challenges just like any other relationship. Experiences vary widely and, just because you are in a polyamorous relationship, it does not mean that you will face the below challenges. Studies have shown that the following are the most common polyamorous relationship problems.
Here are some common issues that may arise in a polyamorous connection:
Jealousy - Despite the connections being consensual, jealousy can still occur in polyamorous relationships. You may have a fear of being replaced, feelings of insecurity, or even uncertainty about your positioning in the relationship. To address jealousy in this type of relationship, open communication and reassurance is needed.
Boundaries - Establishing and respecting boundaries is at the cornerstone of open relationships. When it comes to navigating these boundaries, partners may have different comfort levels and expectations. For more information, read our blog “How to Understand and Develop Boundaries in Relationships.”
Time Management - Balancing multiple connections is challenging. Not only does it take time and energy to form connections, but you need to continue inputting that time and energy into your connection to maintain it. Some partners may feel neglected if they think that their needs are not being met or if they feel like their quality time with their partner is limited.
Communication - Open and honest communication is essential in every single relationship and can become complex in a polyamorous setup. You must communicate your feelings, boundaries, expectations, and long-term goals. Check out our blog “4 Communication Tips Couples Need To Know” for more information.
Mismatched Expectations - Each person in a polyamorous connection may have different ideas about what the relationship will look like. Clearly communicating with one another and having monthly check-ins can make sure that everyone is in agreement.
Emotional Labor - Staying on top of multiple emotional connections requires effort and a good share of emotional labor. You may be providing support, understanding, and compassion to several partners which can take a toll on your own emotional state.
Finding Compatible Romantic Partners - It may be difficult to find people who are accepting of a polyamorous lifestyle. This can make it hard to form authentic connections and even limit your dating pool, especially depending on your geographical location. One way to streamline the process and state your intentions from the beginning can be online dating amongst other options. For support, read “Swipe Smart: Navigating Online Dating and Mental Health with Dating Therapy.”
Inequality - At times, power dynamics may exist in relationships. Even in a 50/50 relationship, the dynamics can be off. Power dynamics in a polyamorous setup can be a source of contention. Feelings of resentment can build if there is an imbalance in attention and resources.
Social Stigma - Society often views monogamous relationships as the norm. Therefore, when an individual is in a polyamorous relationship, they may face judgment and discrimination from friends, family, and their community.
Check out our blog “5 Ways to Solve Common Relationship Problems” for more.
In order to overcome challenges that arise in polyamorous relationships, you must have self-awareness, empathy for your partner, and a commitment to mutual growth. Seeking support through couples counseling is helpful.
What does couples therapy for polyamorous relationships look like?
Couples counseling can be helpful for any romantic partnership but especially for those facing struggles in a polyamorous connection. Polyamorous couples therapists can provide support to both individuals and couples involved in open relationships.
Here are some ways a couples counselor can assist you in your polyamorous setup:
Communication skills - Couples counselors can help individuals and partners enhance their communication skills, from active listening and establishing boundaries to addressing problems in a constructive manner.
Providing A Safe Space - A couples therapist fosters a safe, non-judgmental space where individuals can openly talk about their emotions, problems, and even the experiences of being in a polyamorous dynamic. When you are in a safe space, you feel more comfortable to speak openly and honestly with one another.
Conflict Resolution - Polyamorous relationships can have complex issues, like the ones listed in the above blog section. A couples counselor for open relationships can teach you the skills and strategies needed to resolve issues effectively and swiftly.
Time Management Strategies - If you want to balance multiple romantic connections, you will need to hone in on your time management skills. A couples therapist will teach you how to prioritize and allocate time for different partners depending on the type of polyamory you are engaging in. For example, if you are taking part in hierarchical polyamory, you may allocate more time to your primary partner compared to your secondary and/or tertiary partners.
Navigating Jealousy and Insecurity - If jealousy and insecurity is present in your relationship, your relationship therapist can help get to the root cause of those emotions. They will also provide strategies to manage and control these feelings. This can involve some interventions like enhancing self-confidence, creating healthy coping skills, and fostering trust.
Addressing Power Dynamics - Couples therapists can identify and assist in resolving power imbalances within a polyamorous setup. This can involve investigating and reorganizing responsibilities, emotional labor, and the decision-making process.
At Anchor Therapy, our polyamorous couples therapist will make you feel like your best selves again, both as individuals and as a partnership.
We offer in-person sessions in our downtown Hoboken, New Jersey office. We also conveniently offer virtual polyamorous couples counseling to all residents of New Jersey, including Bergen County, Jersey City, and Montclair. Finally, we offer online couples therapy for open relationships to residents of New York and Florida.
We also have LGBTQIA+ couples therapists who understand the complexities of LGBTQIA+ relationships. Our LGBT-affirming therapists possess cultural competence, provide identity affirmation, and have specialized knowledge on open relationships within the LGBTQIA+ community. For more information, our blog “How LGBTQIA+ Couples Counseling is Unique” is a must-read.
Being in a romantic relationship can be complicated no matter how you structure it, from solo polyamory to kitchen table polyamory. Any relationship requires good communication to demonstrate an ongoing commitment to the relationship and working through challenges. In our modern world, more people have become interested in open relationships.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship structure as everyone has their own preferences and needs. At Anchor Therapy, our couples counselors are non-judgmental, never inflicting their personal beliefs upon clients. Our relationship therapists support your views and are aware of the diverse fabric that makes up the world.
As monogamous relationships are the most dominant relationship type, it can be common to question the viability of a polyamorous connection. There can be a typical assumption from monogamous people that non-monogamous relationships are unstable. But, if you are seeking an open relationship and are willing to put in the work and honest communication, an open relationship does not have to be unstable or uncommitted.
Polyamorous relationships can be a source of joy and fulfillment for many people, but these forms of connection can also come along with a lot of problems. Whether you are seeking out polyamorous relationship counseling for yourself or for you and your partner, you can learn effective communication skills, develop strategies for managing jealousy, and navigate additional challenges of polyamory.
If you are a polyamorous individual or couple, consider seeking the help of a polyamorous relationship counselor who understands this type of romantic dynamic.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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