As human beings, our need to socially connect with other people is innate. Loneliness can occur when there is a gap present between your desire for a social connection and the actual experiences of it. This gap can trigger a state of distress or discomfort. Even if you are surrounded by a lot of people throughout the day, you may still experience loneliness. Loneliness can threaten both your mental and physical health.
Anyone can experience loneliness, but the way each person experiences it is unique. It is completely possible to feel lonely without necessarily being alone. On the other hand, you may be alone and not feel lonely at all.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Defining loneliness
Loneliness is a bit of an unusual thing to describe. Common definitions of loneliness typically describe it as a state of being alone or isolation but, in simple terms, loneliness is a state of mind. If you feel lonely, you may also feel unwanted, empty, or alone. People who are lonely crave human contact but, due to their state of mind, it can make forming connections with other people difficult.
Loneliness is a universal human emotion. At one point or another, everyone has felt lonely. Maybe you just moved to a new city for your first grown adult job and those feelings of loneliness begin to creep up on you at night when you are by yourself in your new apartment. Perhaps you are a teen who strolled on your college campus this past fall who is struggling to find the right social circle. Loneliness is complex and the experience looks different for each person.
Loneliness has no single cause or trigger which makes preventing and treating loneliness difficult. For instance, a child who is struggling to make friends at school differs vastly from a senior citizen who is grieving the loss of their spouse.
Research has proven that loneliness is associated with the following:
Social isolation
Poor social skills
Introversion
Depression (Take our Depression Quiz)
Loneliness plays into your state of mind so it is more about you feeling alone and isolated than that being your reality. For example, a soldier who has deployed overseas may feel lonely even though they are constantly with other troop members.
Check out our blog “How To Be Alone Without Being Lonely” for more information.
What is the difference between loneliness and solitude?
Loneliness and isolation are not great for your mental and physical health. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. Solitude could actually even be a good thing in some cases, giving you the opportunity to recharge and focus on your priorities.
Loneliness can refer to feelings of isolation even though you do not want to be isolated. You can think of this as a form of involuntary separation or even abandonment from other people.
Solitude is something you can voluntarily do. Maybe you are a self-described introvert who gains energy by being in solitude. You can enjoy spending time by yourself and then return to your social connections when you crave human interaction. That way, you are still spending time with other people but you are also balancing it with your much-needed alone time. If this system works for you, there is no issue with that!
What causes loneliness?
There are many situations or contributing factors to loneliness, such as physical location, moving to a new place, divorce, or the death of a significant person in your life.
Loneliness can also be a symptom of a mental health disorder, like depression. Depression can cause you to socially withdraw which leads you towards a path of isolation. This can also work vice versa. Loneliness can be a factor that adds to your depressive symptoms.
Loneliness can be ascribed to internal factors too, like low self-esteem and low-self confidence. For more information on these topics, check out our blogs “Do You Understand Your Self-Esteem?” and “The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Confidence.” If you lack confidence in yourself or believe that you are unworthy of attention from other people, it can lead you to isolate and even lead you to chronic loneliness.
As you may have been able to tell, there is no one specific cause of loneliness. What makes person A lonely may not make person B feel lonely. Loneliness typically stems from life changes or occurrences that put you at a greater risk of feeling lonely.
Some causes of loneliness may include:
Living by yourself:
While living by yourself can be a great marker of your independence, it can also lead to feelings of loneliness. This can especially be true if you work remotely, making it hard to leave your home and form meaningful connections. If this is the case, read our blog “11 Tips to Working from Home if You Have Anxiety or Depression.” If you do not want to live alone but do, your feelings of loneliness may be even more enhanced.
A lack of close friends:
If you feel lonely, there may be a chance that there are no close friends or family members living near you. Everyone needs social support, from someone to confide in to someone to laugh and have fun with.
A change in your living situation:
Whether you moved for a job and/or you are trying to build a new social network in your community, a change in your setting is a common trigger for loneliness.
Poor physical or mental health:
Individuals who report loneliness are at least two times more likely than other people to have a debilitating disease or chronic illness.
Financial issues:
If you are working multiple jobs, struggling with unemployment, just lost your job, or more, a poor financial situation can breed feelings of loneliness. If you are experiencing financial issues, you may feel a loss of identity, stress or even shame. Additionally, if you are working multiple jobs or have an irregular work schedule, it may be that much harder to form social connections. For more information, our blog “Career Counseling: Can A Therapist Help Me Find The Right Job?”.
Death of a loved one:
After experiencing the death of a family member or friend, you may experience feelings of loneliness. Check out our blog “Grief: How To Cope With Losing A Loved One” for more guidance. Divorce, or the end of a serious relationship, can also make you more susceptible to loneliness. Read “Is Breakup Counseling For Me?” if you resonate with this situation.
How do I know if I am lonely?
Depending on your individual circumstance, symptoms of loneliness can differ.
Loneliness typically involves the following signs and symptoms:
A longing for companionship
Feeling left out or isolated from other people
Feeling insecure
Constantly thinking about the past
Feeling sad, empty, uncomfortable, or disconnected
Feeling misunderstood
Feeling alone even when you are surrounded by a lot of other people
Feeling burnt out from typical social interactions
Severe symptoms of loneliness can encompass the following:
Insomnia or other sleep issues (For more information, read “How CBT Can Help With Your Insomnia”)
Lowered energy
Withdrawal from social events and interactions
Feelings of worthlessness
Symptoms of loneliness can lead to a downward spiral. If you feel lonely, it is likely that you will retreat since you feel rejected. When you withdraw, you become more critical of yourself and the world around you. This isolates you further, fueling your loneliness and perceived alienation.
This is known as a self-reinforcing loop. You feel lonely, criticize the connections in your life, and isolate yourself from other people. Having persistent feelings of loneliness can increase your risk for depression.
The following can be red flags or hidden signs of loneliness:
Paranoia:
You may feel like people are criticizing you constantly. Feelings of loneliness can increase paranoia.
Unusual spending habits:
Buying a lot of items out of boredom or to fill a void may signal loneliness. It could also lead to a shopping addiction if not dealt with appropriately.
Loss of appetite or an increase in binge eating:
Not eating or being able to self-soothe with food can be potential red flags. Read our blog “What To Do After You Binge Eat” for guidance.
If you resonate with three or more of the signs and symptoms of loneliness, it can be a sign that things need to change. Whether you need to go out and make more of a social connection or find other ways to address your lack of connection, such as working with a licensed therapist, there are steps you can take to feel better.
How does loneliness impact my health?
Chronic loneliness is bad for your physical and mental health. The presence or lack of social connections in our life influences way more than just our mental health. Social connections can influence our risk of various diseases, like heart disease, diabetes, and dementia to name a few.
Loneliness can negatively impact your physical and mental health, such as:
Alcohol and drug misuse
Altered brain function
Alzheimer’s disease progression
Antisocial behavior (e.g., social anxiety - If you struggle with social anxiety, our blog “6 Helpful Tips For Living With Social Anxiety”)
Cardiovascular disease and stroke
Decreased memory and learning
Depression (Check out our blog “Sadness vs Depression: When To Get Help”)
Suicide (feeling suicidal? Help is only a phone call away at the free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988)
Increased stress levels (Check out our blog “Everything You Need To Know About Stress Management Therapy”)
Substandard decision-making skills
Premature death
The above bullet points are general effects of loneliness, but loneliness can take a toll on other areas of your life. For instance, studies have shown that adults who are lonely exercise less than adults who have fulfilling social lives. This can trigger even more mental and physical health issues down the road. Research has also shown that the sleep of lonely people is less efficient and they have higher levels of daytime fatigue. For more information, read our blog “5 Ways Exercise Benefits Your Mental Health.”
The Loneliness Epidemic
Everyone feels lonely at some point in their life, but loneliness rates have risen exponentially in recent years. These rates have grown so much, so rapidly that the United States Surgeon General declared a loneliness epidemic.
According to the United States Surgeon General’s advisory reports, loneliness increases the risk of premature death by 26% and isolation by 29%. Loneliness also impacts your lifespan. The Surgeon General stated that continuing to live in isolation and loneliness is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day! One in two adults in the United States are living with significant levels of loneliness.
Remember that if you are lonely, you are not alone. If you are feeling lonely, it does not mean that there is something wrong with you or that you are incapable of making strong, meaningful connections with other people.
When you are lonely, you may be experiencing the following thoughts:
“I feel like nobody needs me.”
“I feel numb when I feel lonely.”
“I feel alone even when I am in a room full of people.”
“I feel like I am not important to anyone.”
“I feel like I do not really exist.”
“I feel alone within myself.”
“At least when I am alone, I do not feel rejected.”
“I feel like I do not have any meaningful connections.”
“I feel like I do not have anyone to share good news with.”
Recognizing that you are lonely is a huge step in and of itself and, luckily, once you realize that, there are ways you can drastically improve your quality of life.
What can I do to combat loneliness?
You are in control of your own life. You have the power within you to make any life changes you wish to make. Maybe this means picking up a new hobby you have always expressed interest in or relaxing through a meditation class.
If you are a social media user, one of the first things you can do is to become more active when using social media, not being a passive consumer. When you are scrolling your feed, what feelings arise? Take note of them. Do you feel better or worse than when you first entered the app? Are you making judgments about other peoples’ lives? Are you critical of your own? If so, read our blogs “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Negative Self-Talk” and “Do I Have A Social Media Addiction?”. Unfollowing or muting accounts that bring up uncomfortable feelings may be a good idea and can help you feel empowered.
Sometimes, loneliness can simply be fixed by making an effort to be more social. Maybe you decide to go to a fun mixer that a local business in your town is throwing. Perhaps you decide to join that gym that offers those group fitness classes that you love. Regardless of whatever you are trying out, it is important to make sure it is doing an activity that you enjoy. That way, even if you do not make any meaningful connections from the event, you still did something you loved to do and were able to socialize a bit.
When starting to socialize more, it can be helpful to keep it slow and steady. You do not want to overwhelm yourself or your calendar with too many social events which could lead to increased stress.
Lastly, if you have a serious issue that is getting in the way of you socializing, such as social anxiety, it is suggested to speak to an anxiety therapist who can assist you.
At Anchor Therapy, we have social anxiety counselors who can help you feel like your best self again.
Our social anxiety therapists can assist in the following ways:
Understanding and validation
Exposure therapy
Social skills training
Mindfulness and relaxation techniques
Building social support
Setting realistic goals
Addressing underlying issues
Read our blog “How You Can Treat Your Anxiety Using CBT.”
Overall, everyone experiences loneliness from time-to-time but, if you are struggling with chronic loneliness, it is time to make a change so you do not suffer the negative effects of loneliness. Whether you start making more of an effort to attend social events, begin to monitor your social media usage, or meet with a licensed anxiety therapist to manage your social anxiety, you can feel content with your life.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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