It's been fourteen months since your mom died. At work, someone says it's great to have you "back to normal," and you smile because there's no easy way to explain that you cried in the parking lot that morning. The group chat stopped asking how you're doing around month three. Sunday afternoons, when you used to call her, still feel like a hole in the week.
Being stuck in grief means the pain of a loss stays sharp and keeps getting in the way of your life long after the people around you expect it to ease. Part of what makes it so hard is the loneliness that comes with it, the sense that everyone else has picked their lives back up while you're still standing in the same spot. In this post, we'll cover what being stuck in grief looks like, how long grief can last, when it might be prolonged grief disorder, and what helps when you feel left behind.
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What Does It Mean to Be Stuck in Grief?
Being stuck in grief means the loss still runs your days, months, or years in a way that keeps you from living the life you want. You might still be waiting for the person to walk in, avoiding anything that reminds you of them, or feeling like part of you died too.
When you're stuck, the grief stays as raw at month eighteen as it was at month two, and it crowds out work, friendships, sleep, and the future you used to picture.
You might feel frozen in time, like the calendar kept moving and you didn't. Or you might go to work and pay your bills every day while feeling like you're still at the funeral.
How Long Does Grief Last?
There's no set timeline, and grief can come in waves for years. The sharpest pain usually starts to ease within the first year. When it stays just as intense past a year and makes daily life hard, that's a sign the grief may be stuck and worth talking about with a therapist.
Research backs up how much grief timelines vary. In one study of 259 bereaved adults that tracked prolonged grief symptoms across the first 27 months after a loss, about two thirds had symptoms that stayed low and eased slightly over time. About a quarter had symptoms that stayed high the whole time, and a smaller group of about 8% started high and then improved. Most of the participants were women recruited through grief websites, so the results may not apply to everyone.
That range lines up with what we see in therapy. If your grief hasn't softened on the schedule other people seem to expect, you're far from alone in that.
When Everyone Else Moves On
The first few weeks after a death are crowded. People bring food, send cards, and check in. Then the casseroles stop, the texts slow down, and by the time you'd finally be ready to talk about it, the people around you went back to their own lives.
Friends and coworkers mean well, and they assume you're doing better because you've stopped talking about it, and you've stopped talking about it because nobody asks anymore. The result is a quiet standoff where both sides are waiting for the other to bring it up.
The second year can catch you off guard. By then the shock has worn off, the support has faded, and the reality that your person isn't coming back has fully landed.
Long-term grief brings its own kind of loneliness:
You hold back from mentioning your person because you don't want to be "the sad one" at dinner
Holidays, birthdays, and the anniversary hit hard while everyone else treats them as ordinary days
Friends who never lost someone close can't quite follow what you're going through
You start to feel like your grief has an expiration date that you've already passed
Pulling away from people starts to feel easier than pretending you're fine
A 2025 study of 2,520 bereaved adults in the UK found that more severe prolonged grief was linked to more loneliness. The study also found that feeling like you belong to a community was more strongly linked to lower loneliness than personal contact with others was. The study measured everyone at one point in time, so it shows a link between the two without showing which one causes the other.
That finding matches what we see in our office. The clients who feel least alone in long-term grief usually have a place where their loss is known, like a support group, a faith community, or one friend who still says their person's name.
If your grief is for someone the world doesn't fully recognize you as mourning, like an estranged parent or an ex, the loneliness can run even deeper. Our post on disenfranchised grief and how to mourn a complicated relationship covers that kind of loss.
Signs You're Stuck in Grief
You might be stuck in grief if, a year or more after the loss:
You think about the person or the death so much that it's hard to focus on anything else
You still feel disbelief, like the death didn't really happen
You avoid places, photos, or conversations that remind you the person is gone
You feel numb, or like part of you died with them
Life feels empty or pointless without them
You've lost interest in friends, plans, or things you used to enjoy
You feel intensely lonely or cut off from the people around you
Your work, sleep, or relationships are suffering because of the grief
Being stuck can also look quieter from the outside. You might be keeping a room exactly as it was, still setting out two coffee mugs, or turning down every invitation because you can't picture yourself enjoying anything.
At Anchor Therapy, we often meet clients who waited a long time to reach out because they assumed they should be over it by now. Many of them describe feeling embarrassed that a loss from two or three years ago still knocks them flat. That embarrassment keeps them silent with friends too, which makes the loneliness worse.
Is It Prolonged Grief Disorder?
It might be. Prolonged grief disorder is a diagnosis for grief that stays intense and disruptive well after a death. The death has to be at least 12 months in the past (6 months for children and teens), with intense longing or preoccupation and at least three other symptoms nearly every day for a month or more.
The American Psychiatric Association added prolonged grief disorder to the DSM-5-TR in March 2022.
The other symptoms of prolonged grief disorder include:
Feeling like part of you has died
Marked disbelief
Avoiding reminders
Intense emotional pain
Trouble reengaging with life
Numbness
Feeling that life has no meaning
Intense loneliness or detachment from others
The grief also has to last longer than your social, cultural, or religious norms would predict, and it has to cause significant distress or get in the way of daily life. The APA estimates that 4% to 15% of bereaved adults have ongoing symptoms of prolonged grief disorder.
Only a licensed professional can diagnose prolonged grief disorder. Knowing that this pattern has a name, and that loneliness is part of the definition, can make it easier to stop blaming yourself for not "moving on" fast enough.
What Helps When You Feel Left Behind
These steps can make the grief feel less lonely, at your own pace:
Tell one person the truth. Pick someone you trust and say, "I'm still having a hard time with this, and I'd like to be able to talk about her sometimes."
Name the hard dates ahead of time. Let a friend know the anniversary is coming up so you're not facing it alone.
Find people who get it. A grief support group, online or in person, gives you a place where your loss is known and nobody expects you to be over it.
Keep one ritual for your person, like a yearly dinner at their favorite restaurant or a walk on their birthday.
Put small things back on the calendar, like a weekly class or a standing coffee with a friend, even if you don't feel like going.
Let yourself have good days. Laughing at a party or enjoying a trip is part of living with loss, and it takes nothing away from how much you miss them.
When someone asks how you're doing, a short, honest answer can sit somewhere between "fine" and your whole story. Something like "Some days are still really hard, and I miss her a lot" lets people know you're still grieving without putting you on the spot. You can also tell friends what helps, like hearing your person's name or getting a text on the anniversary. A lot of friends stop checking in because they're worried about upsetting you, so a little direction can bring them back.
You might also find it useful to write to the person who died. A letter about what's happened since they've been gone can give the grief somewhere to go besides the loop in your head.
If a holiday or anniversary is coming up, decide ahead of time how you want to spend it, whether that's keeping a tradition, changing it, or skipping it this year. Making the plan yourself gives you some say in a day that would otherwise just happen to you.
If you're struggling with how depressed you feel, know that grief and depression can overlap. Our depression counseling page explains what treatment for depression looks like if that's part of what you're carrying.
How Therapy Helps When You're Stuck in Grief
At Anchor Therapy, we encourage you to tell the people in your life that you're still grieving, even when it feels like a burden to them. A lot of the loneliness of long-term grief comes from hiding it, and therapy is one place where you can stop hiding.
In grief counseling, your loss gets as much time as it needs. A therapist can help you look at what's keeping the grief stuck, like avoiding reminders, guilt about the death, or the feeling that moving forward would mean leaving your person behind.
In our clinical experience, a big turning point comes when clients realize they can keep a bond with the person who died and still build a life they enjoy again. Many of them start by talking about the person out loud for the first time in months. From there, the work often includes:
Telling the story of the loss at your own pace, including the parts you haven't said to anyone
Facing the reminders you've been avoiding, a little at a time, so they lose some of their power
Working through guilt, regret, or anger that's tangled up with the grief
Finding ways to stay connected to your person, like rituals or traditions you choose
Rebuilding routines, relationships, and plans for the future
Over time, you might notice you can tell a funny story about your mom without your chest tightening, or get through her birthday with a plan for the day.
Getting Support for Long-Term Grief in Hoboken
It might be time to reach out to a therapist if your grief still feels as heavy as it did in the first months, if you're pulling away from the people you love, or if you feel like you're watching your life from the outside. You don't have to wait until it gets worse.
Being stuck in grief is painful, and the loneliness of watching everyone else move on can make it harder. With the right support, the grief can take up less of your day, and you can start making plans again.
If any of this sounds like your life right now, our therapists at Anchor Therapy are here to help. Visit Meet Our Team to learn more about our therapists, then fill out the intake form below and our intake coordinator will reach out to find a time that works for you. We offer therapy in-person in Hoboken, NJ, and virtually in New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
Victoria Scala, LAC
is the Psychotherapist, Community Engagement Director, Office Manager, and Social Media Manager at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey.
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