When someone is going through a difficult life transition, you may want to jump to offering words of wisdom or encourage them to focus on the positive. After all, positivity is a good thing, right? While positivity refers to the practice of being optimistic, the pressure to be positive no matter what is going on in your life can go wrong, causing serious issues down the road.
If you adopt a mindset of toxic positivity, you believe that everything is okay when, in reality, it is not. In a world filled with social comparison, you may feel pressure to create the illusion or even make yourself believe that everything is going fine, but life is much more complicated than that. Life is not always going to be all rainbows and butterflies and, once you accept that, you can see that there is beauty in that and in ditching the mindset of toxic positivity!
Anchor Therapy is a counseling center in Hoboken, NJ with mental health therapists specialized in helping children, teens, adults, couples, and families with anxiety, depression, relationship issues, trauma, life transitions, and more. Anchor Therapy is accepting new clients and is now providing in-person sessions and teletherapy sessions to residents of New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is rooted in the belief that no matter how dire your situation is, you should maintain a positive outlook on life. Generally speaking, engaging in positive thinking or being optimistic is not a bad thing. In fact, there are a lot of benefits to being optimistic.
Here are some advantages of engaging in positive thinking:
Improved mental health
Improved relationships
Increased resilience
Increased motivation
Better coping skills
Enhanced problem-solving skills
Enhanced well-being
Longevity
Positive influence on others
The issue with toxic positivity is that it rejects all difficult emotions to put on a falsely-optimistic front. Having a positive outlook on life is great but, as we all know, life is not always positive and that is normal. Everyone has had to deal with painful emotions and experiences at one point in time.
While these emotions can be difficult to work through in the moment, it is necessary for long-term health. Dealing with unpleasant emotions will allow you to process your problem in real-time to deal with it in an open and honest manner where you can arrive at acceptance and enhance your mental health.
What is the Problem with Toxic Positivity?
You can think of toxic positivity as positive thinking to an extreme. The blind attitude of toxic positivity not only over-emphasizes the importance of optimism at all costs, but it also lessens or even erases your emotions as a human being if it is not a positive feeling.
The pressure to be okay no matter what is happening in your life invalidates the range of emotions that you are capable of feeling. If you succumb to toxic positivity, it may even give you the attitude or belief that, whenever you are feeling something other than happy or excited, there is something wrong with you.
Judging yourself when you are experiencing anxiety, depression, jealousy, pain, and so on can lead to secondary emotions, such as shame and guilt. Over time, these secondary emotions can become intense. Transient emotions, a mood that passes by, are part of the human experience.
Secondary emotions can actually end up distracting you from the issue at hand. For example, toxic positivity may steer you away from dealing with the aftermath of a traumatic situation that occurred to you. Because you are avoiding your trauma, you may begin to feel angry about your circumstance. Instead of getting to the root cause and speaking with a trauma therapist, you try to put a bandaid on your situation, focusing on fixing the anger. In reality, the anger is a symptom of the real issue at play which is your trauma. If you are looking to heal from trauma, read our blog “Everything You Need To Know About CBT for PTSD.”
When you ignore your emotions, you do not give yourself space for self-compassion which is essential for good mental health. A big part of toxic positivity is avoidance. You push away any uncomfortable emotions and invalidate yourself in the process.
Studies have shown that suppressing your feelings will only lead to additional mental stress in the future. Avoiding your emotions will lead to increased anxiety and depression, and add to the worsening of your psychological health overall.
When you do not process your emotions in a timely manner, you run the risk for a range of mental health issues.
Here are some additional psychological effects of not processing your feelings expediently:
Disrupted sleep (If you are having a hard time sleeping, read our blog “How CBT Can Help With Your Insomnia”)
Increased substance abuse (Read “‘High Functioning Addict’: Spot the Signs and How to Get Help” for more information)
Risk of an acute stress response - Acute Stress Disorder, or ASD, is a short-term mental health condition that occurs after experiencing a traumatic situation. It involves specific stress responses, such as anxiety, flashbacks of the traumatic event, an intense fear of helplessness, and so on.
Prolonged grief (Check out our blog “Am I Experiencing Complicated & Traumatic Grief?” for more guidance)
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) (Read our blog “5 Healthy Ways to Cope with PTSD” for some tips)
Examples of Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity takes many forms. It is possible to be optimistic when you are going through difficult transitions in life. But, if you are experiencing serious mental health concerns, you do not need to be told to put a smile on your face and stay positive. You should not feel judged for seeing a negative situation as it is instead of trying to put a positive spin on everything.
Toxic positivity has become increasingly common in today’s world so it is likely you have experienced it at one point or another, from your viewpoint on how you should respond to a situation to somebody else offering you unsolicited advice.
The following are common examples of statements rooted in toxic positivity:
“Look on the bright side.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Do not worry about it!”
“Everything will work out in due time.”
“This too shall pass.”
“It could be worse. Be fortunate for what you have.”
“Stress less.”
“You will get over it soon.”
“At least…”
On the surface, these statements may not seem so bad. You may even view them as kind or helpful things to say to someone who is going through a difficult time. If you are dealing with a minor, temporary issue, like forgetting your phone at home for the day while at work, these phrases may not seem like such a big deal.
However, if you are dealing with a loss, such as rejection from your dream college, it can be hard to hear these statements since the statements do not match the severity of the issue. If you are in this situation now, check out our blog “How To Support Your Teen Through High School and College Application Anxiety.”
Being positive about a neutral or positive situation is generally an appropriate response, but being positive does not always work and is not always received well by a person going through a difficult or inherently negative situation. If positivity does not fit the situation, it feels forced and can send a message that it is not okay to feel any other emotion except for happiness.
If you are unsure if someone is forcing positivity upon you, look out for these warning signs:
You feel dismissed
You feel belittled
You feel pressured to feel a specific way
You feel like your situation is being overgeneralized
What Causes Toxic Positivity?
Societal expectations and your environment can make you learn and adopt strategies of toxic positivity. When we see someone struggling, it is human nature to try to make that person feel better. Most of us have been conditioned that way.
What ends up in toxic positivity may not have even had the intention to be toxic. In fact, most people who engage in toxic positivity may not even know they are consciously doing it. In other words, it becomes second nature.
For example, after the death of a loved one, your friend may not know what to say to you to help you through this difficult time. Toxic positivity can feel easier to your friend instead of getting down in the details of the loss and engaging with you in a meaningful way. When your friend offers you some toxic positivity, you feel disconnected and alone instead of feeling supported. If you are currently grieving, check out our blog “Grief: How to Cope With Losing A Loved One” for additional support.
How Can I Respond To and Deal with Toxic Positivity?
If you want to combat toxic positivity, you need to make room for uncomfortable emotions. This can be understandably difficult so you may want to seek the help of a licensed mental health counselor to help you through this process. No matter what you are going through, shutting your emotions off will not help you in the long-run.
If you are responding to toxic positivity from other people, you may want to shut the conversation down by saying something simple like “Ok, I appreciate your feedback.” While you may not really appreciate their advice, this stops the conversation from continuing further.
However, if you are dealing with toxic positivity in a close relationship, it may be worth it to have a serious conversation about the matter. First and foremost, you can acknowledge that this person is trying to help you, not hurt you. Your loved one is most likely resorting to toxic positivity in an attempt to be supportive although their efforts are going awry.
People who employ toxic positivity often do not understand how their words and actions can be hurtful so you can explain that to your loved one. Typically, it is enough for you just to explain that what your loved one is saying, is not helping you.
You can even suggest to your loved one what they can do that may be able to help you. Maybe you just want them to listen to you or be a sounding board. Perhaps you are seeking concrete advice or would like particular support, like dropping off a warm meal to you or covering childcare.
It is also possible to experience toxic positivity within yourself which may be a little bit harder to address and require the help of a therapist.
How to Address Self-Toxic Positivity with the Help of a Self-Talk Therapist
If you notice you offer toxic positivity to yourself (or even other people), you can learn to replace that toxicity with a more supportive attitude.
To address your toxic positivity, your therapist for toxic positivity will encourage you to look inward and reflect. Why is your knee-jerk reaction to be positive and/or encourage someone else to do the same thing? Do you have emotions buried deep down inside that you are trying to avoid or ignore until they magically disappear on their own?
Being present and listening to yourself or other people is key. When someone else is expressing their troubles or concerns to you, listen to understand, not to just respond. Do not skip past your or someone else’s negative feelings. Even negative feelings have meaning too. When you ignore grief, loss, anger, and more uncomfortable emotions you will reach an unhealthy mental state. Try being aware of your emotions.
Just as you had asked yourself questions, if you are discussing someone else’s situation, asking questions can be a good thing. It can be a good way to truly understand what the other person is going through before providing a response.
You are not your own therapist or someone else’s counselor. You may not always have all of the answers and that is okay. Everyone needs a little help in life. Try to validate yourself or someone else’s emotions instead of fixing the issue at hand. Leading with empathy and validation rather than showcasing your problem-solving skills can be appreciated.
Here are some responses you can issue:
“I would be just as upset.”
“I am here for you.”
“That sounds hard.”
“I can see why this situation is so difficult for you.”
“I understand why you feel this way.”
A full range of emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, is a part of the human experience. At Anchor Therapy, our therapists do not shame clients for feeling their feelings. In fact, we encourage it! Sometimes, there is no silver lining and that is okay. If you are struggling with toxic positivity, do not hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional for support and guidance.
Victoria Scala
is the Social Media Manager and Intake Coordinator at Anchor Therapy in Hoboken, New Jersey. She is a graduate of the Honors College of Rutgers University-Newark. In her roles, Victoria is committed to managing the office’s social media presence and prioritizing clients' needs.
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